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A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.

A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, “Here’s a pill for English literature.” The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!

“What else do you have?” asks the student.

“Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history,” replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.

Then the student asks, “Do you have a pill for math?”

The pharmacist says, “Wait just a moment,” goes back into the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plunks it on the counter.

“I have to take that huge pill for math?” inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied, “Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow.”

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After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, “What the hell happened?”

“As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss,” replied the wife.

“Piss on him,” answered the husband. “You did,” said the wife, “and he fired you.” “Well, fuck him,” said the husband. “I did, and you go back to work in the morning!

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We have all been through job interviews, and we have spent most of the time thinking of what not to do that might make us look bad. Some job applicants however go light years beyond this.

What follows is a survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations who were asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. What follows is an unbelievable list of what we can only call “the lowlights.”

1. Said he was so well qualified that if he didn’t get the job, it would show that the company’s management was incompetent.

2. Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.

3. Brought her large dog to the interview.

4. Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles.

5. Candidate kept giggling through a serious interview.

6. She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.

7. Bald candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.

8. Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.

9. Asked to see interviewer’s resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.

10. Announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries during the interview.

11. Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the middle of an interview.

12. Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as vice president of finance.

13. Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.

14. Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.

15. Wouldn’t get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the police.

16. When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.

17. Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him.

18. Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet.

19. Took the brush out of my purse and brushed his hair and then left.

20. Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.

21. Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to ensure that the offer was formal.

22. Said he wasn’t interested because the position paid too much.

23. While I was on a long distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.

24. During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate’s briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized andsaid he had to leave for another interview.

25. A telephone call came in for the job applicant during the interview. It was his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: ‘Which company? When do I start? What’s the salary?’ I said, “I assume you’re not interested in conducting the interview any further”. He promptly responded, “I am as long as you will pay me more”. I didn’t hire him, but later found out there was no job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.

26. The applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that the other shoe was stolen off her foot on the bus.

27. His attache case opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies’ undergarments, assorted make-up and perfume.

28. He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception area. He didn’t want it to get stolen, and stated that he would require indoor parking for the moped.

29. He took off his shoe and sock, applying medicated foot powder and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was putting back on the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a day and this was the time.

30. Candidate said he really didn’t want the job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.

31. He whistled when the interviewer was talking.

32. Asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.

33. She threw up on my desk and immediately starting asking questions about the job as if nothing happened.

34. Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I needed to get a new desk.

and topping the list….

35. Asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview.

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Due to budget constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees traveling on official business. The policies are effective immediately.

Transportation: Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transportation is strictly encouraged. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on company business trips. Bus service will be another prime method of transportation. Airline tickets will only be authorized for purchase in extreme circumstances, and only the lower fares will be used. If, for example, a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.

Lodging: All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends while on company business. If weather permits, public areas such as parks and parking lots should be used as temporary lodging. Bridges may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.

Meals: Meals expense are cut to the absolute minimum. It should be noted that some grocery chains provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals may be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also become familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available enroute to their destination. If restaurants must be utilized, travels should seek places offering “all you can eat” salad bars. This will be especially cost effective for employees traveling together, as a single plate could be used to feed an entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food while on company business. Cans of tuna, Spam, Pork-N-Beans, etc. can be conveniently consumed at your leisure without the unnecessary bother of heating or other costly preparation.

Entertainment: Entertainment while traveling is strictly discouraged. If such extravagances are required on customer contracts, the customer should be encouraged top pick up the tab. Such action will save the company money, and will convince the customers that we are concerned about providing a good product, not spending money on useless frivolities. The hospitality provided to customers who will visit our facilities should also be tasteful, yet cost effective. In lieu of extravagant dinners, a picnic bench will be provided in the parking lot, next to the dumpster, and a garden hose will be made available so that liquid refreshment can be furnished to our guests.

Miscellaneous: All employees are encouraged to employ innovative techniques in our team effort to save corporate dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that the money raised during airport layover periods could be used to defray travel costs. In support of this idea, “Red Caps” will be issued to all departing employees. Tips can be earned by helping others with their luggage. Also, when you are in a restaurant don’t forget to pick up little things like packs of sugar and packaged condiments for our company cafeteria.

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I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac.

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

I’ve used up all my sick days…so I’m calling in dead

The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

The dog ate my car keys, So now I have to hitchhike to the vet.

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