Encyclopedia of Humor

So I said “Hey man, that’s my beer.”

Then he says, “No man, that’s my beer.”

Then the beers say, “No man, we’re our own beers.”

That’s when we realized we had too many beers.

There was an old man in a bar who was staring at a punk in the corner. The punk had multicolored, spiked hair and multicolored feather earings.

After a while the punk got mad and said to the old man “What are you staring at?”

“Back when I was in the army I got really drunk one night and fucked a parrot. I was wondering if you were my son.”

This nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, “What man out there will buy a lady a drink?”

The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, “Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!”

The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she’s completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and saying, “What man out there will buy a lady a drink?”

Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, “Bartender, I’d like to buy the ballerina another drink!”

After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and states, “It’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?”

The drunk replies, “Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!”

There’s a man and his wife who own a pub, and have a dog called Fido, who’s 24, which is very old for a dog. One day the dog tragically dies, and they bury him but keep his tail separate as a memorial.

That night, the man hears a strange noise and rushes downstairs to find the dog’s ghost, demanding for his tail back.

The man was just about to give the tail back when the wife rushed down and said:
‘Don’t give it back! Don’t give it back!’
‘Why?’ asked the man.
‘You’re not allowed to retail spirits after 12:00!’

Sign seen in a bar:

“Those drinking to forget please pay in advance.”