Encyclopedia of Humor

Guy walks into the bar, goes up to the bartender. Reaching into his pants pocket, he pulls out a hundred dollar bill. “Set up everybody in the place!” he shouts. The bartender obliges.

Suddenly, a little man jumps out of the guy’s pocket, runs down the bar, and kicks all of the drinks, smokes, change, etc on the floor. He runs back and jumps back into the guy’s pocket.

The Bartender asks what’s going on. The guy just reaches back into his pants pocket, pulls out another hundred, and says “just set everybody up again.” Bartender obliges once more, suspiciously watching the guy.

Once more the little man appears from the guy’s shirt pocket. Runs down the bar, breaks the glasses, pitches the napkins into the air, etc. Runs back and jumps into the shirt pocket again. This time the guy buttons the pocket.

Bartender says “explain yourself, or leave.”

Guy says “Well….I was walking down the beach one day, and ran across a bottle in the sand. Turns out there is a Genie in the bottle. Gave me 3 wishes!

So my first wish was to never run out of cash again. Now every time I reach into my pants pocket there is a hundred dollar bill!

Second wish was to never be lonely again. Went back to my apartment and there waiting for me were 3 of the most beatuiful supermodels you have ever seen, all willing to do whatever I desired from them!”

“Third wish…I wished for a 6 inch prick, and THIS IS THE LITTLE BASTARD I GOT!!!”

An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, “Well, it looks plastic.” Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, “But it feels like rubber.”

Curious, the attorney asked, “What do you have there?”

The drunk replied, “I don’t know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.”

The attorney responded, “Let me take a look.”

So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. “Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don’t know what it is. Where did you get it?”

The drunk replied, “Out of my nose!”

Seen in a bar near here: “We don’t stand in your toilet, so please don’t pee on our floor!”

A hotdog walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender replies, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here”.

So … the other day, my friends and I went to this “Ladies Night
Club.”

One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulls out a $10 bill.
The “dancer” came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put
it on his butt cheek.

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls
the guy back over, licks the $20 bill and puts it on his other butt
cheek. Still attempting to impress the rest of us, my other friend
pulls out a $50 bill. She calls the guy back over again, licks the
$50 bill and again puts it on one of his butt cheeks. Now the
attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that?

I got out my wallet, thought for a minute … and then the financial
analyst in me took over. I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the
crack of his ass, grabbed the $80 bucks and went home!