Encyclopedia of Humor

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.

The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly towards him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, “I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.”

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman’s hand. He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, “Paint my house!”

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar:

————————————-

| Cheese Sandwich: $
1.50 |

| Chicken Sandwich: $
2.50 |

| Hand Job: $
10.00 |

————————————-

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the
bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes
serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

“Yes?” she inquires with a knowing smile, “can I help you?”

“I was wondering”, whispers the man, “are you the one who gives the
hand jobs?”

“Yes,” she purrs, “I am.”

The man replies “Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!”

There’s this guy and he lives in the second largest state in America, which is California, and he want’s to live in the largest state of America which is Alaska.

So he goes there for a few weeks and decides he wants to become a fully-fledged Alskan, so he goes in this pub to ask a bar man what he has to do to become a fully fledged Alaskan.

The barnabs say’s “First you drink this liter of whisky, then you’ve got to kill a bear, and find a woman and rape her.”
The guy gets confused, so he asked the barman to repeat it.
He comes back a week later beaten to shit.

“What happened to you?” said the barman.
“I’m nearly a fully fledged alaskan, all I gotta do now is kill a woman”!

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really ,really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home.

As he stumbled out the door, he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. The nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.

This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the side, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn’t move very much.

So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said……..
“Not very freakin’ strong tonight, are you Batman!”

A snail goes into a bar and orders a beer.

The barman says ‘Sorry we don’t serve snails’ and throws him out.

A couple of weeks later the snail goes into the bar again and says… ‘What did you do that for!’