Encyclopedia of Humor

Which condom would you use?

Nike Condoms: Just do it.

Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.

Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.

Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can’t stop.

Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.

Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.

Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but ph balanced for a woman.

Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it’s that simple.

Ford Condoms: The best never rest.

Chevy Condoms: Like a Rock.

Dial Condoms: Aren’t you glad you use it? Don’t you wish everybody did?

New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey — you never know.

Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.

EverReady Condoms: Keeps going and going

KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.

Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.

Lays Condoms: Betcha can’t have just one.

A man who worked for a fire company came home from work one day and told his wife, “You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we’re on the trucks ready to go. From now on we’re going to run this house the same way. When I say bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say bell 3, we’re going to screw all night.

The next night he came home from work and yelled, “Bell 1,” and his wife took off all here clothes. “Bell 2,” and his wife jumped into bed. “Bell3,” and they began to screw. After 2 minutes his wife yelled, “Bell
4.”

“What’s this Bell 4?” asked her husband. “More hose,” she replied, “You’re nowhere near the fire!”

Although Cupid got all the girls hot, a great lover himself he was not. They would say, “Sorry, sport, but your arrow’s too short– What we want is what Hercules’ got.” ————— Euphemism is all very well, but if I really am going to hell, I’d rather it be for lechery, not for “loving the ladies too well.” ————- Juno’s measure of fury was full, but Zeus had a trick he could pull. He said, “Surely, my dear, whatever you hear from Europa is all cock and bull.” —————- .

One day, a space ship landed in a farmer’s field and a Martian man and his wife got out and introduced themselves to the farmer and his wife. As a token of his friendship, the farmer immediately invited the Martian couple in his home and begged them to stay for the evening and have dinner, so the Martians agreed.

Later that night, the Martian man explained how, on their planet, it was customary to swap partners as a token of friendship. The farmer, not wanting to offend his alien neighbors, readily agreed.

The Martian then man took the farmer’s wife into one bedroom while the farmer took the Martian woman into another. They had been having sex for about an hour when the Martian man asked the farmer’s wife, “Well, how do you like having sex with a Martian? How does it feel?”

The farmer’s wife replied “It needs to be a little bigger around.” So the Martian man twisted his right ear and presto, his penis became bigger around.

About an hour later, the Martian man asked the farmer’s wife again “How does it feel now?”

The farmer’s wife responded “I think it needs to be a little longer.”

So the Martian man twisted his left ear and presto, his penis became longer.

The next morning, after their alien neighbors had left, the farmer and his wife were having coffee at the breakfast table and the farmer asked his wife “How was the Martian man?” To this, the farmer’s wife replied “Fine.”

“And how about the Martian woman?”

The farmer replied, “That damn bitch yanked on my fucking ears all night long!”

John and Claire are just newly married. They are still a little shy about doing the “wild thing”, so they decide to just refer to it as “washing the clothes”. One night, Claire invites some of her friends over for dinner, but John is really horny and doesn’t want to have to entertain their guests.

So, as Claire is serving the main course, he whispers in her ear, “Let’s go wash the clothes”. Claire is horrified that he could even suggest such a thing while they’re entertaining, and she refuses. John tries again, but she won’t give in. Claire tells him instead to go upstairs and get the candleholders from the hall closet. Frustrated, John slowly walks up the stairs to get them.

While he’s upstairs, Claire thinks of the fun they’d have if they COULD “wash the clothes”. Nah, she thinks. Not now. But eventually her imagination gets the best of her, and she tells the maid to run upstairs and tell John that she’ll be up in a minute to help him. The maid finds John upstairs in the bedroom, and tells him that his wife will be up in a minute to help him wash the clothes.

“Tell her it’s ok,” says John. “I already did them by hand.”