Encyclopedia of Humor

Two young couples marry the same day and, being all friends, leave together for their honeymoon to stay at the same hotel in Venice, door to door.

The next morning, the two brand new husbands step out on their balconies to have a breath of fresh air.

“So? How did it go last night? C’mon, tell me! How’s your wife?” “Uhh, fine I guess, she’s lying on the bed smoking.” “Jesus! My wife just got a bit sore…”

A newlywed bride and groom had been busy at “it” for three days straight.

The groom arose early and was reading the paper, thinking it was time to do something else. When his bride woke up, he said, “Honey would you like to see Oliver Twist?”

His bride replied, “You show me one more trick with that thing and I’m going home to mother!”

For those of you about to become first-time fathers, you should know something that us old pros do: there are three stages of sex with your mate during pregnancy.

During the first trimester, you do it regular style. During the second trimester, you do it doggie style.

During the last trimester, you do it wolf style. “What the heck is wolf style?” you ask. That’s when you sit by the hole and howl!

This guy is setting at a bar, and he’s had a lot to drink that night; he asks the bartender for another drink, but the bartender says no.

The guy is pretty upset by this and persists, but the bartender keeps saying no. Finally the guy asks, “Well isn’t there anything that you can give me?” The bartender says, “I’ve got this parrot over there in the corner, sitting on a perch, with no legs.

The guy interested by this asks how the parrot stays on the perch with no legs. The bartender tells the guy that the parrot just raps his dick around the perch.

The guy is amazed by this and agrees to take the bird home. On the trip home he asks the parrot if he can talk. The parrot says, “Sure I can talk!”

The guy thinks for a second and then says, “I’ve got a job for you. I have to go to work tomorrow and my wife will be home alone all day long. I want you to watch her and tell me everything that happens while I’m gone. The only person other than my wife scheduled to be there is the milk man.”

The parrot agrees to watch the man’s wife. The next morning the guy leaves for work, leaving only his wife and the parrot at home. Later that evening the man returns home and asks the parrot what his wife did all day.

Parrot: “Within an hour after you left the milk man appeared. Your wife walked to the door, dressed in her bathrobe and let him in. Right away they started kissing!”

Man: “Then what happened after that?”

Parrot: “They started taking each other’s clothes off.”

Man: “And then what?”-getting more angry

Parrot: “Your wife started jacking him off!”

Man: “What next?”-really steamed by this time

Parrot: “She started giving him a blow job!”

Man: “And what then, did they do anything else?”

Parrot: “I don’t know by that time I got a hard on, and fell off my perch!”

Do Or Say If You Wake Up To Your Roommate Having Sex

50. (the obvious) “Ooooooo”
49. “That would work better the other way around. .”
48. Sniff. Sniff. “Is something burning?”
47. “Damn, that’s complicated.”
46. “Wait, wait, use my pillow.”
45. “Alright already, _I_came.”
44. “You guys need a value pak.”
43. Smoke a pipe. Every once in a while wave it around and say “Good show, old bean.”
42. “Is that sperm or a mudpack?”
41. “You’ve got something stuck in your teeth.”
40. “4 out of 5 dentists say that’s bad for your enamel.”
39. Go to the fridge, break open a cold one and pick up the remote. Point and click. Complain when they don’t change positions.
38. “You know, they say that three’s a charm.”
37. Suggest your favorite position.
36. Shine a flashlight on them and say, “This is a citizen’s arrest, assume the position.”
35. “Bring in the Gimp.”
34. “Hold that pose.”
33. Sit up in your bed, bounce vigorously, clapping and squealing withjoy.
32. Start signing Meatloaf’s “Paradise by the Dashboard Light.”
31. Sing “Shake your bootie.”
30. “A little to the left.”
29. “Is that a penis in your girlfriend or are you just happy to see me?”
28. “Is there room for two in there?”
27. “Two words: penis extension.”
26. Invite others in as a cheering section.
25. Charge admission at the door.
24. Make and hold up score cards.
23. All of them should read
6.
9.
22. Whip out a pen a paper and take notes.
21. “Maybe it would help if you. .”
20. “That’s what you call erect?”
19. “That reminds me of a joke I heard. .”
18. “Let the chicken go, he had nothing to do with it!”
17. Hold up two bags and say, “Paper or plasic?”
16. Roll over, grunt and say, “I’d rather be fishing.”
15. “Use the Heimlich; she’s got something stuck in her throat.”
14. “May I cut in?”
13. “That’s illegal in Arkansas.”
12. “Holy whips and chains, Batman.”
11. Scream at the top of your lungs. If they ask what’s wrong, explain that you thought you were having a nightmare.
10. Take pictures. Explain that it was a Kodak moment.
9. Recite quotes from Condom Month like “Pack your wiener before you bean her” and “Wrap your packer before you wack her.”
8. “MMM- that looks good, I think I’ll try some, too.”
7. “Let’s make a sandwich.”
6. “Is that hard enough for you?”
5. “I’m going to the water fountain. Can I get you anything?”
4. “I think you dropped something.”
3. “Do you like to eat at the Y?”
2. Pick up your camcorder and say “How much do you think they would pay to see this on Pay-Per-View?”
1. “How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop??”