Encyclopedia of Humor

This lady went to a tattoo artist and told him she wanted a turkey tattooed on the upper most inner side of her left thigh. He had seen weirder so he didn’t think too much about it.

Then she wanted a Santa tattooed on the upper most inner side of her right thigh. After he finished the last tattoo, he just couldn’t help asking her ,”Why the turkey and Santa?”

She replied, “I’m tired of my husband complaining that there is nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!!!”

Sexual Tension Quiz

Instructions: For each answer, you will have three clues. Try to determine what the object or thing is that is being described. For every correct answer you give, give yourself 2 points, for every incorrect answer deduct 2 points.

If you score less than 14 points, you are in need of more sex. If you score between 14 points and 21 points, you are in need of more love. If you score over 21 points, you are classed as having a great sex experience. Now please begin.

“CLUES”

1. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, I feel good.

2. I’m spread before I’m eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes lick my nuts.

3. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I’m called a big swinger.

4. Over 1,000 people went down on me. I wasn’t maiden for long. A big hard thing ripped me open.

5. You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

6. When I go in I cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole.

7. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first.

8. All day long, it’s in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me.

9. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard.

10. If I miss, I hit your bush. It’s my job to stuff your box. When I come, it’s news.

11. I offer Protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off.

12. I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

13. My business is briefs. I am a cunning linguist. I plead and plead for it. *******************************************************

Answers:

1. nose
2. peanut butter
3. crane
4. Titanic
5. tent
6. dentist
7. wedding ring
8. elevator
9. chewing gum
10. newspaper boy
11. glove
12. arrow
13. attorney

Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Great Gate, Saint Peter was waiting for him. After rewieving his records Saint Pete decided to let him in. “Follow me” he said, opening the gate and walking in.

After some walk, Saint Pete’s keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn’t resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing.
Saint Pete was furious.
“If you do that again, You’ll go straight to hell! But follow me, we’re almost there.”

After some more walk, Pete dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Pete was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.

Again they walk and for the third time Pete drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Pete is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.

A few weeks later, Saint Pete goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass of.
“Why is it so god damn cold down here? “Pete asks.
“Well you just try bending down for firewood!!” The devil replied.

Confucious say:

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. Man who stand on toilet
high on pot. It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for
boy to park meat in girl! Man who jizz in cash register come into
money. Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time. Man who fart
in church must sit in own pew. Man who finger girl having period get
caught red handed. Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam. Baseball
wrong–man with four balls cannot walk. Man who eat many prunes get
good run for money. Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with
smelly finger. Learn to masturbate–come in handy. Woman who pounce
on dead rooster go down on limp cock. Man who buy drowned cat must
pay for wet pussy. Virgin like balloon–one prick, all gone.

This guy goes to the pharmacist and says, “Listen, these two girls are coming to my place for the weekend and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night. It is going to be hell of a party.”

The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, “This stuff is very potent, you drink only one ounce of it and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know about it.”

The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist is going to work and at the door of the drug store, the same fellow is there waiting for him. The pharmacist says, “What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?”
The guy replies, “Quick open the store, I need Blue Ice (a pain muscle reliever).

The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, “Are you crazy, you can’t put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive.”

The guy says, “It’s not for my penis, it’s for my arm. ”
Pharmacist says, “What?? What happened?”
Guy replies, “Well. . . I drank the whole bottle of your potion. ”
Pharmacist says, “And. . .”

Guy replies, “The girls never showed up!”