A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands.
“Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?” About 40 students raise their hands.
“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?” 15 students raise their hands.
“That’s a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?” 3 students raise their hands.
“That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further… Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”
One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”
The redneck student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor says, “Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a Ghost.”
The student replies, “Ghost?!? I thought you said ‘goats!’”
You might be a redneck if. . .
You think harass is two words. You consider fast food hitting a deer at 65 MPH. Every day someone comes to your house mistakingly thinking your having a yard sale. Fifth grade was the best six years of your life. You have more dogs than the local shelter. You consistantly receive credit card offers with a limit of $
Your postman puts rubber gloves on when the red flag is up on your mailbox.
How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel? When you call the front desk and say, “I’ve gotta leak in my sink,” and the person at the front desk says, “Go ahead!”
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
Why did God invent armadillos? So that rednecks can have ‘possum on the halfshell!
Definition of an Arkansas Virgin: A girl who can run faster than her brothers.
Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he’d first had sex.
“It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,” Clem recalled. Read More…
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DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN’S ENGLISH:
I am hungry……………………..I am hungry
I am tired…………………………I am tired
Nice dress………………………Nice cleavage!
I love you…………………………Let’s have sex now
I am bored………………………Do you want to have sex?
May I have this dance?………………..I’d like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime?……………I’d like to have sex with you.
Do you want to go to a movie?…….I’d like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner?……….I’d like to have sex with you.
I don’t think your shoes go with that outfit…………..I’m gay.
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN’S ENGLISH:
Yes…………………………………..No
No……………………………………Yes
Maybe………………………………No
We need………………………….I want
I am sorry………………………..You’ll be sorry
We need to talk……………….You’re in trouble
Sure, go ahead………………..You better not
Do what you want……………You will pay for this later
I am not upset………………….Of course, I am upset, you moron!
You’re attentive tonight………Is sex all you ever think about?
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< size="2">40-ish…………………………..56+ (it’s the red convertible that makes him feel so young)
Active…………………………..Gets up to get his own damn beer
Adventurous…………………..Asks for extra spicy on his burrito supreme
Enjoys cooking………………Can operate microwave
Enjoys travel………………….Never asks for directions
Athletic………………………..Loves playing Madden 08 on XBox 360
Generous……………………..Incapable of thinking of anyone other than himself
Romantic……………………..Has Viagra prescription
Considerate…………………..Leaves seat up and is a bad aim.
Emotional…………………….Gets pissed when out of beer
Loves pets……………………Does not pick up poop especially from some dumbass little dog
Loves children……………….Really doesn’t like poop so get used to it
Loves family………………….Will probably hit on your sister.
Loves strong coffee………….Usually hung over
Looking for soul mate………Search likely to go on for a long, long time
Slim…………………………….Sickly.
Boyish-charm………………..Momma’s boy
Youthful……………………….Bald as a baby
Man’s man……………………Hair growing everywhere even where seemingly impossible
Loves to laugh……………….Smokes too much pot
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