Encyclopedia of Humor

“Hard drive” — Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.

“Keyboard” —- Place to hang your truck keys.

“Window” —— Place in the truck to hang your guns.

“Floppy” —— When you run out of Polygrip.

“Modem” ——- How you got rid of your dandelions.

“ROM” ——— Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.

“Byte” ——– First word in a kiss-off phrase.

“Reboot” —— What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.

“Network” —– Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.

“Mouse” ——- Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.

“LAN” ——– To borrow as in, “Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck.”

“Cursor” —— What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.

“bit” ——— A wager as in, “I bit you can’t spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways.”

“digital control” — What yore fingers do on the TV remote.

“packet” —— What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.

‘Twas the night before Christmas And all through the trailer Not a creature was stirrin’ ‘Cept a redneck named Taylor. His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle, And a-runnin’ down his chin Was a trickle of spittle. His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care, And therefore there was a foul stench in the air.

That Bubba got scared And rousted the boys. There was Rufus, 12; Jim Bob was 11; Dud goin’ on 10; Otis was 7. John, George and Chucky Were 5,4, and 3: The twins were both girls So they let them be.

They jumped in their overalls, No need for a shirt, Threw a hat on each head, Then turned with a jerk. They ran to the gun rack That hung on the wall. There were 17 shotguns; They grabbed them all.

Bubba said to the young’uns, “Now hesh up ya’ll! The last thing we wanna do Is wake up yer Maw.” Maw was expecting And needed her sleep, So out they crept out the door without making a peep.

They all looked around, and then they all spit. The young’uns asked Bubba, “Paw, what is it?” Bubba just stared; He could not say a word. This was just like all of the stories he’d heard.

It was Santy Claus on the roof, Darn tootin’ But the boys didn’t know; They was about to start shootin’! They aimed their shotguns and nearly made a mistake That would have resulted in venison steak. Bubba hollered out, “Don’t shoot, boys!” That’s Santy Claus And he’s brought us some toys.

The dogs were a-barkin’ And a-raisin’ cain, And Bubba whistled, and shouted, And called them by name. “Down, Spot! Shut up Bullet! Quiet, Pete and Roscoe! Git, Turnip and Tater and Sam and Bosco!”

“Git down from that porch! Git down off that wall! Quit shakin the trailer, Or you’ll make Santy fall!” The dogs kept a-barkin’ And wouldn’t shut up, And they trampled poor Pete Who was only a pup.

Santy opened his bag, And threw out some toys. Bubba got most, But left a few for the boys. Since the guns had been dropped He just might not die.

He jumped in his sleigh, Told his reindeer to hurry. The trailer started to wobble Santa started to worry. Just as the reindeer Got into the air, The trailer collapsed, But Bubba didn’t care.

He was busy lookin’ At all his new toys. Then a thought hit him, And he said to the boys: “Go check on yer Maw, Make sure she’s all right. That roof fallin’ on her Could-a hurt just a might.”

But Maw was OK, And the girls were too. They fixed up the trailer; It looked good as new. And as for Bubba, He liked Old St. Nick, But Santa thought Bubba Was a pure-in-tee hick!

Bubba had a nice Christmas, And the boys did, too. And the Taylors wish A Merry Christmas to you!

Jeff Foxworthy in the Middle ages

You know you’re Castle Trash if……

Your shroud of Turin is painted on velvet Your daughter’s chastity belt has rusted You can’t afford a cod piece…………….nobody notices You have more sheep dogs than sheep You sold your only horse to buy that jousting lance you just had to have… The plague improved your complexion………..but only for a little while The Pope sends you to the Crusades………..in Norway Your armor is made from that foil that came with your chewing gum Your wife is stronger than your plow horse…but the horse is prettier The grail you brought home has “made in China” printed on the bottom Your wife says you have the smallest turret in the kingdom You won “most improved ” at the tournament They call your daughter made Marian Your family crest is a chicken with a banner that says “peace before discomfort” Your sheep seem strangely nervous around your oldest son

After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Arky said to the doctor “I may not be the smartest man, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help me.”

So the couple drove to Missouri to get a second opinion. The doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed they were from Arkansas. This doctor also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both doctors couldn’t be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, “1, 2, 3, 4, 5…” at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This rich guy from the north is driving his Lincoln Continental down
to New Orleans. Along the way he picks up a redneck.

The redneck looks quizzically at the dash board and says, “What are
those thangs?” The driver says, “Those are golf tees”.

The redneck asks, “What those are for?” The driver says “Those hold
my balls when I drive.”

The redneck says, “Sheeit, these Lincolns sure come with
everythang!”