Encyclopedia of Humor

The best blush to use is laughter: It puts roses in your cheeks and in your soul.
- Linda Knight

Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects.
- Arnold Glasow
Laughter is the most healthful exertion.
- Christoph Wilhelm Hufeland
Laughter is part of the human survival kit.
- David Nathan
The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
-Cummings
He who laughs, lasts.
-Victor Borge
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
- Edison
Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke
-Unknown
Laughter is the language of the Gods
- Russ Dudley.
Friendship: a building contract you sign with laughter and break with tears
- Unknown
Those who don’t know how to weep with their whole heart don’t know how to laugh either.
-Unknown
Blessed is he who has learned to laugh at himself for he shall never cease to be entertained.
-Lord Chesterfield (1694-1773).
Laughter is not at all a bad beginning for a friendship, and it is far the best ending for one.
- Oscar Wilde
If taking vitamins doesn’t keep you healthy enough, try more laughter: The most wasted of all days is that on which one has not laughed.
- Nicolas-Sebastien Chamfort
Nothing can confound a wise man more than laughter from a dunce.
- Lord Byron
Of all days, the day on which one has not laughed is the one most surely wasted. Sébastien
- Roch Nicolas de Chamfort
If you have only one smile in you, give it to the people you love
- Maya Angelou
While the laughter of joy is in full harmony with our deeper life, the laughter of amusement should be kept apart from it. The danger is too great of thus learning to look at solemn things in a spirit of mockery, and to seek in them opportunities for exercising wit.
-Lewis Carroll
Seven days without laughter makes one weak
- Joel Goodman
Always leave them laughing when you say goodbye
- Lessing.
A laugh is worth a hundred groans in any market
- George M. Cohan
Laughter is the shortest distance between two people
- Victor Borge
Laughter is an instant vacation
- Milton Berle
Laughter is by definition healthy.
- Poole
He who laughs last, didn’t get the joke.
-Sir Peter Ustinov (1921- ).
He who can laugh at himself will always be entertained.
- Steve Martin
At the height of laughter, the universe is flung into a kaleidoscope of new possibilities.
- Jean Houston
One can never speak enough of the virtues, the dangers, the power of shared laughter.
- Francoise Sagan
In my mind, there is nothing so illiberal and so ill bred as audible laughter
- Buddhist Proverb
I always knew I would look back on my tears and laugh, but I never knew I would look back at my laughter and cry
-John Powell.
We love a joke that hands us a pat on the back while it kicks the other fellow downstairs.
-Lamb.
There is nothing in which people more betray their character than in what they laugh at.
- Goethe
No man who has once heartily and wholly laughed can be altogether irreclaimably bad.
- Thomas Carlyle
One can know a man from his laugh, and if you like a man’s laugh before you know anything of him, you may confidently say that he is a good man.
-Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoyevsky
There is a kind of laughter that sickens the soul. Laughter when it is out of control: when it screams and stamps its feet, and sets the bells jangling in the next town. Laughter in all its ignorance and cruelty. Laughter with the seed of Satan in it. It tramples upon shrines; the belly – roarer. It roars, it yells, it is delirious: and yet it is as cold as ice. It has no humor. It is naked noise and naked malice.
- Mervyn Peake

1. “Have you ever been in therapy? No? You should try it. It’s like a really easy game show where the correct answer to every question is: ‘Because of my mother.’”
Robin Greenspan

2. “After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me, ‘Maybe life isn’t for everyone’.”
Larry Brown.
3. “The nice thing about meditation is that it makes doing nothing quite respectable.”
Paul Dean.
4. “If excessive smoking actually plays a role in the production of lung cancer, it seems to be a minor one.”
Dr WC Heuper (1954)
5. “As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, ‘Relax, you’re not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients’, but the another kept reminding me, ‘Howard, you are a veterinarian!’”
Dick Wilson.
6. “My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.”
Walter Matthau.
7. “A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a labotomy.”
Joan Rivers.
8. “She got her looks from her father: He’s a plastic surgeon.”
Groucho Marx.
9. “For the majority of people smoking has a beneficial effect.”
Dr Ian MacDonald (1963)
10. “Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined.”
Samuel Goldwyn.
11. “I was under the care of a couple of medical students who couldn’t diagnose a decapitation.”
Jeffrey Bernard
12. “First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.”
Steve Martin.
13. “No-one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
Kin Hubbard.
14. “There must be something to acupuncture. After all, you never see any sick porcupines!”
Bob Goddard.
15. “The operation was a complete success, but the patient died of something else.”
John Chiene
16. “I’m not feeling very well, I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.”
Groucho Marx
17. “A psychiatrist is a man who goes to a strip club and watches the audience.”
Merv Stockwood.
18. “Whiskey is by far the most popular of all remedies that won’t cure a cold.”
Jerry Vale
19. “I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.”
Spike Milligan
20. “The art of medicine is in amusing a patient while nature affects the cure.”
Voltaire

Otis, Henry, and Tom were sitting in a bar discussing their wives.
Henry started by saying, “I think my wife is fooling around on me. I went home the other day and found a hammer and a saw under our bed. I think she is cheatin’ on me with a carpenter!”

Tom answered, “Ya, I think my wife is not faithful either.
The other day I went home and found a pipe wrench and some pipes under my bed. I think she is cheatin’ on me with a plumber!”

Otis then joins in and says, “Well, if you think that’s bad, I’ve got one for ya. I went home yesterday and found a cowboy under my bed.

I think my Lina is cheatin’ on me with a horse!”

10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is “Bubba”.
4. There’s a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There’s a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged. AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer is…
1. The mouse is referred to as a “critter”.

Q: How do you know you’ve been kidnapped by a redneck?

A: He’s asking 2 million dollars ransom in unmarked million dollar bills.