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1. “Have you ever been in therapy? No? You should try it. It’s like a really easy game show where the correct answer to every question is: ‘Because of my mother.’”
Robin Greenspan

2. “After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me, ‘Maybe life isn’t for everyone’.”
Larry Brown.
3. “The nice thing about meditation is that it makes doing nothing quite respectable.”
Paul Dean.
4. “If excessive smoking actually plays a role in the production of lung cancer, it seems to be a minor one.”
Dr WC Heuper (1954)
5. “As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, ‘Relax, you’re not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients’, but the another kept reminding me, ‘Howard, you are a veterinarian!’”
Dick Wilson.
6. “My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.”
Walter Matthau.
7. “A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a labotomy.”
Joan Rivers.
8. “She got her looks from her father: He’s a plastic surgeon.”
Groucho Marx.
9. “For the majority of people smoking has a beneficial effect.”
Dr Ian MacDonald (1963)
10. “Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined.”
Samuel Goldwyn.
11. “I was under the care of a couple of medical students who couldn’t diagnose a decapitation.”
Jeffrey Bernard
12. “First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.”
Steve Martin.
13. “No-one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
Kin Hubbard.
14. “There must be something to acupuncture. After all, you never see any sick porcupines!”
Bob Goddard.
15. “The operation was a complete success, but the patient died of something else.”
John Chiene
16. “I’m not feeling very well, I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.”
Groucho Marx
17. “A psychiatrist is a man who goes to a strip club and watches the audience.”
Merv Stockwood.
18. “Whiskey is by far the most popular of all remedies that won’t cure a cold.”
Jerry Vale
19. “I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.”
Spike Milligan
20. “The art of medicine is in amusing a patient while nature affects the cure.”

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Posted in: Doctors Jokes, Funny Quotes, Medical Jokes

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