Encyclopedia of Humor

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.

She lies down on the bed… just then, and elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she’s thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more.
Again a train shakes the room so violently, she’s pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager.
The manager says he’ll be right up.

The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.
“Look… lie here on the bed — you’ll be thrown right to the floor!”
So he lies down next to the wife.

Just then the husband walks in. “What,” he says, “are you doing here!?!”

The manager calmly replies, “Would you believe I’m waiting for a train?”

A Soviet emigre boy and girl come to a doctor’s office and say: “Doctor, we would like to know if we are screwing properly. Will you watch us, please?”

The doctor, somewhat puzzled, agrees, they climb on his table, the boy gets on top of the girl, and they have sex. After observing them, the doctor says, “Yes, you’re having sex properly. That will be forty dollars.”

They come back the next day with the same request, but this time the boy enters the girl from the rear. They keep coming for four days in a row, using different positions every day.

On the fifth visit the doctor says, “Why do you keep on coming back?
I told you you’re having sex properly.”

The boy explains, “The hotel room costs the same forty dollars, but this way we get reimbursed by Medicaid.”

This information came over the internet some years ago. It purports to be the answers given by students in science exams around the world. It came with the comment that “it is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressure of time and grades?.” I was unable to trace the author, but as the work deserves wider dissemination, I present here the answers of most interest to a medical audience.

General:

“The body consists of three parts – the brainium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax, the heart and lungs; and the abominable cavity, the bowls, of which there are five – a, e, i, o, and u.”

Respiration:

“When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire”
“Respiration consists of two acts: first inspiration, then expectoration.”

Cardiovascular:
“The three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, veins, and caterpillars.”

Gastrointestinal:
“The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Alabama.”

Dentistry:
“A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.”

Orthopaedics:
“The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat on.”

Reproductive medicine:
“Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.”
“To prevent contraception, wear a condominium.”
“Many women believe that an alcoholic binge will have no effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception.”

Haematology:
“Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.”

Eyes and nose:
“To remove dust from the eye: pull the eye down over the nose.”
“For nosebleeds, put the nose lower than the body until the heart stops.”
“For a cold: use an agoniser to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.”

First aid:
“For fainting: rub the person’s chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the head instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest doctor.”
“For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.”
“For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.”
“For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.”

Mr. Bates was introducing his family members to his Psychiatrist friend. Bates: Please meet my wife Mrs. Bates, my daughter Miss Bates and then my son Master Bates. Psychiatrist: Does he? Send him to my clinic. I will make him alright.

Nine months after struggling to get out; rest of your life you are struggling to get in.