Encyclopedia of Humor

We all want progress, but if you’re on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive. – C.S. Lewis

We are often most in the dark when we are the most certain, and most enligthened when we are the most confused.

We don’t have the time or money to do it right, but we’ll have time and money to do it over again.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

We sometimes get all the information, but we refuse to get the message.

We’ll worry about that when we get there.

We’re making progress. Things are getting worse at a slower rate.

We’ve always done it that way!

Wet manure is slippery. – OSHA discovery

Two monologues do not make a dialogue.

Two rules to success in life: 1. Don’t tell people everything you know.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Unemployment helps stretch your coffee break.

Unless absolutely essential, borrowing to buy a depreciating asset is dumb.

Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will reject the proposal.

Urgency varies inversely with importance.

Usefulness is inversely proportional to its reputation for being useful.

Virtue is its own punishment.

Wasting time is an important part of living.

To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three men, two of them absent.

To know yourself is the ultimate form of aggression.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Too light for heavy work and too heavy for light work.

Treat people as if they are what they ought to be, and you help them to become what they are capable of being.

Trust everybody…then cut the cards.

Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.

Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.

Two heads are more numerous than one.

Those most opposed to serving on committees are made chairmen.

Those who live closest arrive latest.

Those with the best advice offer no advice.

To achieve the impossible, one must think the absurd; to look where everyone else has looked, but to see what no one else has seen.

To attract maximum attention, it’s hard to beat a good, big, dumb mistake.

To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.

To err is human. To admit it is a blunder.

To err is human. To blame it on someone else is even more human.

To err is human. To blame it on someone else is politics.

To err is human. To forgive is simply not company policy.

There is one big difference between genius and stupidity; genius has limits.

Things are more like today than they ever were before.

Things could be worse; suppose your errors were counted and published every day, like those of a baseball player.

Things get worse under pressure.

Things go right so they can go wrnog.

Thinking is hard work. One can’t bear burdens and ideas at the same time.

This “law” has been intentionally left blank.

This “law” was inadvertently left blank.

This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists and not enough hunchbacks.

This space for rent.