Encyclopedia of Humor

Wisdom consists of knowing when to avoid perfection.

Wisdom is what’s left after we’ve run out of personal opinions.

Without data, yours is just another opinion.

Work hard and save your money and when you are old you will be able to buy the things only the young can enjoy.

Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence.

Work is the curse of the drinking class.

Work may be the crabgrass of life, but money is still the water that keeps it green.

You can always find what you’re not looking for.

You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can make a fool of yourself any time.

You can fool all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time, and that should be sufficient for most purposes.

You won’t skid if you stay in a rut.

When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.

When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

When your opponent is down, kick him.

Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.

Where you stand depends on where you sit.

While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office automation?

Why is it that there are so many more horses’ asses than there are horses? – G. Gordon Liddy

Why worry about tomorrow? We may not make it through today.

Winning isn’t everything, but losing isn’t anything.

You’re not drunk if you can lay on the floor without holding on.

When working hard, be sure to get up and retch every so often.

When working on a project, if you put away a tool that you’re you’re finished with, you will need it instantly.

When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer, provided of course you know that there is a problem.

When you are confronted by any complex social system, such as an urban center or a hamster, with things about it that you’re dissatisfied with and anxious to fix, you cannot just step in and set about fixing with much hope of helping. This realization is one of the sore discouragements of our century. Jay Forrester has demonstrated it mathematically, with his computer models of cities in which he makes clear that whatever you propose to do, based on common sense, will almost inevitably make matters worse rather than better. You cannot meddle with one part of a complex system from the outside without the almost risk of setting off disastrous events that you hadn’t counted on in other, remote parts. If you want to fix something you are first obliged to understand, in detail, the whole system, and for very large systems you can’t do this without a very large computer. Even then, the safest course seems to be to stand by and wring hands, but not to touch. Intervening is a way of causing trouble. – Lewis Thomas, from the essay “On Meddling” in the collection “The Medusa and the Snail”, The Viking Press, New York, 1979

When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.

When you are right be logical, when you are wrong befuddle.

When you are sure you’re right, you have a moral duty to impose your will upon anyone who disagrees with you.

When you are up to your butt in alligators, it is difficult to keep your mind on the fact that your primary objective was to drain the swamp.

When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Your own car uses more gas and oil than anyone else’s.

When reviewing your notes for a test, the most important ones will be illegible.

When someone says this is as bad as it can get, don’t bet on it.

When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two weeks to clear. When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight.

When you don’t have an education, you’ve got to use your brains.

When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby, while all other coins will roll out of sight.

When the going gets tough, the smart get sneaky.

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system will perform perfectly.

When they want it bad (in a rush), they get it bad.

When things are going well, someone will inevitably experiment detrimentally.

When all else fails, try the boss’s suggestion.

When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. When in charge, ponder.

When in doubt, predict that the present trend will continue.

When in doubt, take all the time you need to get all the facts, or all the time you have, whichever is less.

When in doubt, use brute force.

When in trouble, delegate.

When it gets to be your turn, they change the rules.

When it’s you against the world, bet on the world.

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity. For every week you are away and get nothing done, there is another week when your boss is away and you get twice as much done.

Yuppie pregnant women don’t go into labor, they go straight into management.