Encyclopedia of Humor

Hugh Downs’ Four Rules for Investigating the Universe: Rule 1 – When confronted with an apparent infinite or infinitely repeating pattern, expect some variant that keeps it from being infinite. Rule 2 – When all investigation supports Rule 1, look for a situation which violates it. Rule 3 – Be prepared for an infinite oscillation between Rules 1 and 2. Rule 4 – Apply Rule 1.

Drew’s Law of Highway Biology: The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.

Ducharme’s Axiom: If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part of the problem.

Ducharme’s Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

Emersons’ Law of Contrariness: Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.

Estridge’s Law: No matter how large and standardized the marketplace is, IBM can redefine it.

Fett’s Law: Never replicate a successful experiment.

Cropp’s Law: The amount of work done varies inversely with the amount of time spent in the office.

Bo Diddeley’s Observation On The Law: Always take a lawyer with you, and bring another lawyer to watch him.

Bolub’s Fourth Law of Computerdom: Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress.

Deadline-Dan’s Demo Demonstration: The higher the “higher-ups” are who’ve come to see your demo, the lower your chances are of giving a successful one.

Demian’s Observation: There is always one item on the screen menu that is mislabeled and should read “Abandon hope all ye who enter here”.

DeVries’s Dilemma: If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don’t want hits the paper.

Dr. Caligari’s Comeback: A bad sector disk error occurs only after you’ve done several hours of work without performing a backup.

Clovis’ Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly: The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere, bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.

Cohn’s Law: The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.

Colvard’s Logical Premises: All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won’t.

Colvard’s Unconscionable Commentary: This is especially true when dealing with someone you’re attracted to.

Conway’s Law: In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what’s going on; this person must be fired. Corollaries: 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really don’t want to hear, will see it immediately.

Cooke’s Law: In any decision situation, the amount of relevant information available is inversely proportional to the importance of the decision.

Correspondence Corollary: An experiment may be considered a success if no more than half of your data must be discarded to obtain correspondence with your theory.

You can’t win. You can’t break even. You can’t quit the game.

You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.

You get the most of what you need the least.

You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You’ll learn a lot today.

You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue; agree with him.

You never find an article until you replace it.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

You never want the one you can afford.

You remember to mail a letter only when you’re nowhere near a mailbox.

You want it when?

You will always find something in the last place you look.

You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think.

You can observe a lot just by watching.

You can’t expect to hit the jackpot if you don’t put a few nickles in the machine.

You can’t fall off the floor.

You can’t get here from there.

You can’t guard against the arbitrary.

You can’t outtalk a man who knows what he’s talking about.

You can’t push a rope.

You can’t tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it.

You can’t tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash when the garbage truck is two doors away.