Encyclopedia of Humor

You didn’t find out that nothing happened for a week because you were holed up in your cellar.

You don’t have to go to the grocery store for a year.

You invited the local football team over to eat twice this week, and you still have food left!

You have no savings left because you used it to prepare.

You spent the first week of the new year digging up all your valubles.

You went to the bank on Monday and deposited $2000 of one & five dollar bills.

You went ahead and had your water shut off, so you could use your stored bottled water.

You were depressed because nothing happened !!

You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don’t have a clue as to when it happened.

Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.

Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You start introducing yourself as “Jim at net dot com”

Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.

You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

When looking at a web page full of someone else’s links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

Your dog has its own home page.

You can’t call your mother… She doesn’t have a modem.

You check your mail. It says “no new messages.” So you check it again.

Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.

You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

You don’t know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

You tell the kids they can’t use the computer because “Daddy’s got work to do” — even though you don’t have a job.

You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

Your wife makes a new rule: “The computer cannot come to bed.”

You get a tattoo that says “This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher.”

You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP… because you never log off.

The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

Your wife says communication is important in a marriage… so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the “back” button.

They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.

This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.

I was working smarter – not harder.

Whew! I must have left the top off the whiteout.

I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!

This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!

I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

I’m in the management training program.

I’m actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP). I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.

This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!

I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?

No! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

The coffee machine is broken….

Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot.

Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off.

Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!

I wasn’t sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands.

The mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.

Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.

I’m just resting my eyes.

The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.

The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.

The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.

The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.

AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it’s the NEW model.

Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just “lock-up” for no apparent reason.

The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots’a pretty colors and lights.

The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.

Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.

If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.

The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.

AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.

AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.

Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.

It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.

AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.

Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?

It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.

AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.

AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.

Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, “Good-Bye.”

Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

You ski uphill.

You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.

You speed walk in your sleep.

You have a bumper sticker that says: “Coffee drinkers are good in the sack.”

You answer the door before people knock.

You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

You just completed another sweater and you don’t know how to knit.

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

You lick your coffeepot clean.

You spend every vacation visiting “Maxwell House.”

You’re the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don’t even work there.

You’ve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You chew on other people’s fingernails.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

Your T-shirt says, “Decaffeinated coffee is the devil’s coffee.”

Your so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

Cocaine is a downer.

All your kids are named “Joe.”

You don’t need a hammer to pound in nails.

Your only source of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low.”

You don’t sweat, you percolate.

You buy milk by the barrel.

You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.

You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.

You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.

You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

People get dizzy just watching you.

When you find a penny, you say, “Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I’ll have a cup.”

You’ve worn the finish off your coffee table.

The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.

Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.

You’re so wired, you pick up AM radio.

People can test their batteries in your ears.

Your life’s goal is to amount to a hill of beans.

Instant coffee takes too long.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

When someone says. “How are you?”, you say, “Good to the last drop.”

You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can

You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.

Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil

You’d be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.

You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

You’re offended when people use the word “brew” to mean beer.

You name your cats “Cream” and “Sugar.”

You get drunk just so you can sober up.

You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.

Your Thermos is on wheels.

Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

You short out motion detectors.

You have a conniption over spilled milk.

You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.

Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

You think being called a “drip” is a compliment.

You don’t tan, you roast.

You don’t get mad, you get steamed.

Your three favorite things in life are…coffee before and coffee after.

Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.

You can’t even remember your second cup.

You help your dog chase its tail.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.

You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.

You think CPR stands for “Coffee Provides Resuscitation.”

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.