Encyclopedia of Humor

You’d live in a place where no two people had the same name.

You’d only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.

Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you’d be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99.

The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.

The local post office would tell your mother you’re not a known resident.

The local post office won’t forward your mail to you when you move.

If you saw a crime and called 911, they’d reply a week later with a form letter saying how you “really are important to us.”

Every time you went shopping, you’d be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, “WE’RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE.”

Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh at you, behind your back.

You’d occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation.

You’d not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone’s mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sun-up.

The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly start demanding money.

You can achieve a “Runner’s High” by sitting up.

The Sun is too loud.

Trees begin to chase you.

You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.

You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.

You can hear mimes.

You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.

Things become “Very Clear.”

You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.

You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

You begin speaking in a language that only you and Chanelers can understand.

The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.

You and Reality file for divorce.

You can skip without a rope.

It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.

You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe and Everything else, but can’t quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.

You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

You can travel without moving. Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.

You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.

Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like losing your best friend.

You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

I could have sworn I heard the can opener.

Is there something I’m not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?

Why doesn’t the government do something about dogs?

I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have ULTERIOR motives?

Hmmm … If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can’t we cats ever get these STUPID dogs to do anything for us?

This looks like a good spot for a nap.

Hey — no kidding, I’m sure that’s the can opener.

Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if we cats hadn’t given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place?

If there’s a God, how can He allow neutering?

If that really was the can opener, I’ll play finicky just to let THEM know who’s boss!

Broken Bag-O-Glass

Dr. Kevorkian First Aid Kit

Jeffrey Domhers Easy Bake oven and cookbook

Timothy McVays home Chemistry set

Switchblade Barney

Pork-n-Beany Babies

Make your own moonshine kit

Mike Tyson Doll (with ear biting action)

Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell’s Angels motorcyclists.

You’ve been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.

Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.

You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.

Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.

Your income tax refund check bounces.

The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

You wake up and your braces are stuck together.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.

You put both contacts into the same eye.

Your mother approves of the person you’re dating.

Your doctor tells you that you’re allergic to chocolate.

You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard.

Nothing you own is actually paid for.

Everyone loves your driver’s licence picture, but you think it looks awful.

The health inspector condems your office coffee maker.

You invite the peeping Tom in… and he says no.

The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.

People think that you’re 40 and you’re only 25.

When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.

You call your spouse and tell them that you’d like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.

You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night…… and there aren’t any.

It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.