Encyclopedia of Humor

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don’t know.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

If a person is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Signs You Hired The Wrong Kid To Mow Your Lawn

He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag.

On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats.

Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher.

Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head.

You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher.

He’s fascinated by the details of you home security system.

Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings.

Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus.

Turns a goat loose and says he’ll be back in three weeks.

No toes.

“Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife.”

“How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?”

“I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.”

“I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you.”

“Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder: What was I thinking?”

“As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you’re not here to ruin it for me.”

“If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it’s your sister.”

“As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you’ve given me. Like the need for therapy…”

“Thanks for being a part of my life!!!I never knew what evil was before this!”

“Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You’ll probably need it again.”

“Someday I hope to get married, but not to you.”

“Sorry things didn’t work out, but I can’t handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine.”

“Happy Birthday! You look great for your age…Almost Lifelike!

“When we were together, you always said you’d die for me. Now that we’ve broke up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.”

“I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here’s his leash, water bowl and chew toys.”

“We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits.”

“I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re here.”

“Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?”

“You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket…. I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.”

“Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday —so we’re having you put to sleep.”

“Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!” (available only in Arkansas)

The Book Of Virtues By Bill Clinton

The Amish Phone Directory

Mike Tyson’s Guide To Dating Etiquette

George Foreman’s Big Book Of Baby Names

French Hospitality

Everything Women Know About Men

Everything Men Know About Women

Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection Of Motivational Speeches

Different Ways To Spell Bob

Career Opportunities For Liberal Arts Majors

America’s Most Popular Lawyers

Amelia Earhart’s Guide To The Pacific Ocean

The Wild Years-By Al Gore

Things I Would Not Do For Money-By Dennis Rodman

Human Rights Advances In China

To All The Men I’ve Loved Before-By Ellen Degeneres

The Engineer’s Guide To Fashion

My Plan To Find The Real Killers-By O. J. Simpson

How To Land A Plane At Martha’s Vineyard – By Jfk, Jr.

You escort people out of line for having 11 items in the “10 items or less” lane.

You walk into a store at 10 minutes to close not knowing what you want and don’t decide for another 30 minutes.

You yell out what a GREAT TIPPER you are.

You return the coffee because it’s too hot.

You order water with extra lemon (as if it was supposed to come with lemon).

You ask for a discount. No reason specified, just that you should get one.

You get annoyed if a hardware store, etc., does not have the most obscure component in stock, despite the fact that they haven’t sold one in over 20 years.

If you buy 10 cent candy to break a 20

You think the Pre-pay sign on the gas pump is for everyone but you.

You buy an expensive dress and return it after the party.

You can’t read the signs or coupons correctly, insisting you’re right and all the employees are wrong.

While standing in front of the huge line up of TVs, you ask a salesman, “Is this all the TVs you have?”

You dare ask for a discount at a resturaunt because your kids didn’t like thier food after they showed their dislike by throwing said food on the walls and the floor.

You chew out the manager of the local McDonald’s for not cleaning up the place, while meanwhile, your kids proceed to launch ketchup packets at each other.

You pay anything / everything in small change (especially pennies)