Encyclopedia of Humor

Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?”

Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?” The telemarketer will agree and you say, “Now you know how I feel!”

After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

Tell the telemarketer you are on “home incarceration” and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.

If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends… would you be my friend?”

Cry out in surprise, “Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

When they ask “How are you today?” Tell them! “I’m so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died…”

29 Members of Congress have been accused of spousal abuse.

7 Have been arrested for fraud.

19 Have been accused of writing bad checks.

117 Have bankrupted at least two businesses.

3 Have been arrested for assault.

71 Have credit reports so bad they can’t qualify for a credit card.

14 Have been arrested on drug related charges.

8 Have been arrested for shoplifting,

21 Are current defendants in lawsuits.

84 Were stopped for drunk driving in 1998 alone, but released after they claimed Congressional immunity.

The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.

You were born somewhere else.

You know how to eat an artichoke.

The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.

Your car has bulletproof windows.

Left is right and right is wrong.

Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.

Your mouse has only one ball.

You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.

You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.

You can’t find your other earring because your son is wearing it.

You drive to your neighborhood block party.

Your family tree contains ‘significant others’.

Your cat has it’s own psychiatrist.

You don’t exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.

You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.

More than clothes come out of the closets.

When ‘the Dead’ are best live.

You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.

More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.

Smoking in your office is not optional.

When you can’t schedule a meeting because you must ‘do lunch’.

Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.

Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.

You’ll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hot tub repairman.

You consult your horoscope before planning your day.

A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.

When all highways into the state say: ‘no fruits’.

All highways out of the state say: ‘Go back’.

You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.

…there’s a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found?

…you buy an answering machine so you won’t miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?

…there’s a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?

…you’re reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out?

…you tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it’ll magically open for them and not you.

…someone says, “well, to make a long story short” and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.

…a friend or family member says “Yuck! This is awful!!” and then tells you to try some.

…you have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you’re just looking around.

…you rub on hand cream and can’t turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.

…a waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth.

…your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a pressure reading.

…there’s a dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

…the power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries.

…someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a check or uses a credit card.

…the elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on.

…you almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don’t, your hard drive crashes and you lose everything.

You kiss your girlfriend’s/boyfriend’s home page.

Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.

You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.

You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular-modem and a laptop.

You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap… and your child in the overhead compartment.

All you daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8… ISDN… cable modem… T1… T3…

And even your night dreams are in HTML.

You find yourself typing “com” after every period when using a word processor.com.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you’ve never had heart problems before.

You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

When looking at a page full of someone else’s links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

Your pet has its own home page.

You’ve already visited all the links at Yahoo and you’re halfway through Lycos.

You can’t call your grandmother….. she doesn’t have a modem.

You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are.

You check your mail. It says “no new messages.” So you check it again.

You have commandeered your teenager’s phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.

Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

You don’t know the gender of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

Your husband tells you he’s had the beard for 2 months.

You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games from Apogee.

You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.

You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html

You actually try that 123.elm.street address.

You tell the kids they can’t use the computer because “Daddy’s got work to do” and you don’t even have a job.

Your friends no longer send you e-mail…. they just log on to your IRC channel.

You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

Your spouse makes a new rule: “The computer cannot come to bed.”

You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless.

You get a tattoo that says, “This body best viewed with Netscape 1.1 or higher.”

You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP… because you never log off.

You forget what year it is.

You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.

You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it sounds like the ocean wind… the perfect soundtrack for “surfing the net”.

You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month “unlimited”.

You turn on your computer and… turn off your significant other.

Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage… so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.