Encyclopedia of Humor

There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

A 4 years-old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4 If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.

It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh-oh;” it’s already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak – it explodes.

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.

Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

Duplos will not.

Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

McGyver can teach us many things we don’t want to know.

Ditto Tarzan.

No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jello.

VCR’s do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

Plastic toys do not like ovens.

The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

It will however make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Quiet does not necessarily mean don’t worry.

A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.

“Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.”

Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?

Hand me that… uh… that uh… that thingy there.

Oh no! Where’s my Rolex.

Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?

There go the lights again?

“Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys? and this guy’s got two of ‘em.”

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Could you stop that thing from beating; it’s throwing off my concentration.

What’s this doing here?

I hate it when they’re missing stuff in here.

That’s cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?!

Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

Sterile schmerile. The floor’s clean, right?

OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?

Don’t worry. I think it is sharp enough.

What do you mean “You want a divorce?!?”

FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

People have been complaining about the rising price of gasoline recently, but I have always thought that gas was a good value (especially if you were to take the $0.30, $0.40 per gallon tax off at the pump)! Obviously others need a little convincing. So the article in this week’s “Autoweek” magazine brought it all to light. What if you were to buy a gallon of . . .

- Diet Snapple 16 oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon

- Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon

- Gatorade 20 oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon

- Ocean Spray 16 oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon

- Quart of Milk 16 oz for $1.59 = $6.32 per gallon

- Evian (water) 9 oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon

- STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon

- Vicks Nyquil 6 oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon

- Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon

- Whiteout 7 oz for $1.39 = $254.17 per gallon

- Scope 1.5 oz for $0.99 = $84.84 per gallon

So next time you’re at the pump, be glad your car doesn’t run on Nyquil or Scope or Whiteout!

You find yourself listening to talk radio.

You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.

The pattern on your shorts and couch match.

You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.

You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.

You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.

You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.

You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.

When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.

When jogging is something you do to your memory.

Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.

All the cars behind you flash their headlights.

You remember the “Rolling Stones” as a rock group not a corporation.

You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son’s new running shoes.

You actually ASK for your father’s advice.

You don’t know how to operate a fax machine.

When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.

A few crumbs short of a crouton.

A few clowns short of a circus.

A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

A few beers short of a six-pack.

A few peas short of a casserole.

The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead.

One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.

One taco short of a combination plate.

A few feathers short of a whole duck

All foam, no beer.

Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instruc- tions on the heel.

He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

As smart as bait.

Chimney’s clogged.

Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash.

Elevator doesn’t go all th eway to the top floor.

Forgot to pay her brain bill.

Her sewing machine’s out of thread.

If she had another brain, it would be lonely.

Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Has the intelligence of a Carrot.