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Can’t stick their heads out of Windows ’95.

Fetch command not available on all platforms.

Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.

Too difficult to “mark” every website they visit.

Can’t help attacking the screen when they hear “You’ve Got Mail.”

Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.

Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they’re browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.

Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.

Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.

Still trying to come up with an “emoticon” that signifies tail-wagging.

Oh, but they WILL… with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.

Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome

Cause dogs ain’t GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand…

Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.

SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.

SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!

Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.

Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master’s.leg.

Too Hard To Type With Paws.

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What do you mean today’s our anniversary?

Can we not talk to each other tonight? I’d rather just watch TV.

Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!

And for our honeymoon we’re going fishing in Alaska!

Aww, don’t stop for directions, I’m sure you’ll be able to figure out how to get there.

Is that phone for me? Tell ‘em I’m not here.

I don’t care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.

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Here honey, you use the remote.

You know, I’d like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.

Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That’s one movie I gotta see!

While I’m up, can I get you anything?

Honey since we don’t have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?

Why don’t you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?

Aww, forget Monday night football, Let’s watch Melrose Place.

Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.

We never talk anymore

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As Hostage Taker:

Demand to speak only with FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.

Have one of the hostages hold your gun while you make a quick trip to the bathroom.

Let one hostage go to the bathroom. When he doesn’t return, send the others to see what’s taking him so long.

Agree to let the hostages go, after doing so, make you demands.

Rig the building to explode if someone tries to go through the door, then remember that you forgot to lock your car and leave the room.

Confuse the detonator for your explosive booby-traps with your garage door opener.

Tell the negotiator that you’d rather choke on tear gas than let the hostages go.

Allow one of the hostages to win possession of your gun because of a paper-rock scissors tournament.

Forget your gun at home.

Run away bawling like a baby when one of your hostages calls you a “meanie”.

Ask the negotiator to tell your fiancee that this is all a joke and would she marry you.

As Negotiator:

Ask the hostage taker if he/she would like to go to dinner after the stand-off.

When hearing the demands suddenly yell into the phone, “It all you you you! What about my needs?!”

When you call the hostage taker, tell him you’d like a large thick crust pepperoni and snicker loudly.

Show up stoned and do anything at all.

When the hostage taker lists his demands yell into the phone “La la la la! I can’t hear you!”

Mention how much income tax the hostage taker will have to pay if he/she gets the F-15 he/she wants.

Tell the hostage take that you think Rosanne Barr should play him in the TV movie of the stand-off.

Tell the hostage taker you think it’d be really cool if a hostage came flying out of a 52nd story window.

Tell the hostage taker that he must convert to hindu if he wants you to deal with him.

When the hostage taker agrees to let the hostages go tell him, “You’re never gonna be on COPS with a wimp attitude like that.”

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Chicken McBobbitts

Salmon McNella

Tom & Roseanne “Together Forever” Value Meal

Shirley McLean Burger

McMenudo

Filet o’ Gefilte Fish

Way Too Happy Meal

Lion King Hairball Happy Meal

Them Ain’t Nuggets!

McKitty Sandwich

Boutrous Boutrous Burger

Rocky Mountain McOysters

McSpleen

The Depressed Meal

Filet O’ Flesh

McShrooms

Bob Barker’s Happy Pants Meal

McTonya Club Sandwich

Grumpy Meal, Dopey Meal, and Sneezy Meal

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