Encyclopedia of Humor

Geez, what died in here?

He looks natural but those shoes do not go with that dress.

Nice service…where’s the keg?

When did he die…really…hey Bob, you won the pool!!!

Hey, we’re with the Publisher Clearing House Prize Patrol and we’re looking for…oh, never mind.

Don’t look now Fred but you and the deceased have the exact same suit on.

You know they touched that body up cause that shark has one of them legs.

Not to cause panic or anything but something is leaking out of that casket.

While your child is on his lap, he tells them they’re not getting his Bud Light.

You see his sleigh pulled over and the police with a breathlyzer.

Those darn milk and cookies never worked but the Jack Daniels does!

You don’t remember getting a request for venison in your stocking.

Betty Ford releases him on December 24th.

After each child, he has a Jello Shot.

This year the sleigh is being pulled by the Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull.

He jumps down a manhole and then gets angry when he can’t find the tree.

Instead of going Onward, Dancer and Prancer…he just grumbles and says “Awww…just get going!”

Don’t go up to your boss and make the comparison of him with Santa because he’s fat, jolly and only works one day out of the year.

Don’t put your boss in a sleeper hold just to bargain for a better salary.

Don’t offer anyone a hit from your Egg-Nog funnel.

Don’t call your best client and tell him how much you fudged his books by just so you could throw this party in the first place.

Don’t chase the secretary around with mistletoe and an eggbeater.

Don’t tell your boss that you’re the one that runs the company.

The Top Bad Response For Guys To Give To The “How Do I Look” Question

“That’s a great outfit honey but Halloween was 6 weeks ago.”

“I ain’t seen a caboose that big since Amtrak left town.”

“Uh-uh, the last time I answered that question, I went temporarily blind.”

“Ssshhh, the games on right now..go look in the mirror, that’s what its there for!!”

“Oh man, I’m gonna lose my lunch.”

“Like the girl I was with yesterday.”

“Like someone in dire need for some liposuction.”

“Well, if I close my eyes, just like my previous, prettier girlfriend.”

“How can I put this…MOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”

“I got your community service right here pal!”

“Boy your chamber sure does look different with the lights on.”

“You couldn’t carry Wapner’s gavel you moron!”

“You’re not as easy to buy as others said you were.”

“No you robe wearing geek.”

“I don’t suppose there’s a “You get me off, I get you off” type of deal out there?”

“Just out of curiousity, are you wearing pants?”