Encyclopedia of Humor

You’re so tired you now answer the phone, “Hell.”

Your friends call to ask how you’ve been, and you immediately scream, “Get off my back, jerk!”

Your garbage can IS your “in” box.

You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don’t care.

You have so much on your mind, you’ve forget often how to think.

Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through …er…. Monday.

You sleep more at work than at home.

You leave for a party and instinctively take your ID badge.

Your Day Timer exploded a week ago.

You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.

ValueJet: When you just can’t wait for the world to come to you.

ValueJet: We’re Amtrak with wings.

Join our frequent near-miss program.

On flights, every section is a smoking section.

Ask about our out-of-court settlements.

Our staff has had lots of experience consoling next-of-kin.

Are our jet engines too noisy? Don’t worry. We’ll turn them off.

Complimentary champagne during free-fall.

Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.

The kids will love our inflatable slides.

You think it’s so easy, get your own plane!

Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?

Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.

ValueJet: We may be landing on your street.

ValueJet: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.

Bring a bathing suit.

Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best view.

That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.

Fly ValueJet. Find out there really is a God.

ValueJet: A real man lands where he wants to.

Contrary to what the lousy song says, Country Roads do NOT always take you home.

You dream of a life that will involve a paved road.

You grow tired of tourists stopping by, asking for directions to the state of “South Virginia”, and driving off in a fit of laughter.

You’re stuck with AM Radio…AM COUNTRY radio.

You’ve grown tired of seeing the group “Glass Tiger” at the local Acorn Festival each year.

The sheep won’t take your “abuse” anymore and they are planning a revolt.

Hayrides are still limited to just 10 mph.

The local theatre’s performance of “Les Miserables” left something, no A LOT, to be desired.

You’ve had it with those pesky revenuers destroying your stills of “shine”.

No matter how hard you try, your cows don’t appear receptive to chasing or catching that Frisbee.

The Top 10 Things To Check The Salad Bar For BEFORE You Load Your Plate Up

Anything that’s moving.

Green Carrots.

Moldy Croutons.

Body parts.

Blood in the French Dressing.

A cucumber slice with a bite out of it.

I’ve seen the movie…they could be there so watch out for Killer Tomatoes!!!

Lettuce that closely resembles Astroturf.

How should I put this…let’s just that the sneeze guard didn’t do its job and there’s something phlegm related in the radishes.

The body of Harold, the dim-witted drive thru clerk who kept messing up orders, under the ice on the bar.

The Top 10 Things You Should Not Say To A Security Guard When Caught Stealing Coins From A Mall Fountain

“Isn’t there a robbery at the Orange Julius you should be investigating?”

I’m searching for a hard to find 1998 nickel.”

“DUH!! The Gap is having a sale!”

“Did you know that it now costs 35 cents to make a phone call?”

“Thanks idiot…I had just made a wish that I could clean the fountain out and not get caught! Way to ruin that wish!!”

“Have you seen that really cool gumball machine in the food court? It rolls down a spiral ramp!”

“I’m at the last level of Mortal Kombat IV and I need another quarter.”

“I’m trying to match the exact amount of your worthless paycheck you Barney Fife wannabe!”

“See..I need a quarter to make a phone call to my Kleptomaniacs Anonymous sponsor and that’s why I’m stealing the quarters in the fountain. I NEED HELP MAN!!!”

“Ummmm…I’m looking for beer money?”