Encyclopedia of Humor

All of a sudden, she’s typing in a different font.

Instead of hearing that lovely “You’ve Got Mail” statement when you use America OnLine, you hear “You Just Got Dumped!”

Your connection to his server is constantly refused.

You get a Dear John E-mai…Your name is Fred.

They no longer have access to a computer due to a recent parole.

She starts ending each sentence with only 1 exclamation mark instead of the usual 3!!!

She tells you that she’s been working a lot. You think its a professional job; it turns out that she was responsible for the decorations at her Jr High prom!!

During an intimate moment in a chat room, she reveals herself to be GRANDMA!!

You’re wearing your last pair of underwear in the shower consistently.

You’ve worn your sheets to school because you can’t get them off of you.

Your socks act like a shirt does when its heavily starched and emit a serious funk.

Your roommate walks around wearing a full body medical suit like they did in the movie “Outbreak” to avoid catching the Ebola virus.

The Snuggle Bear on the softener bottle officially died last week.

The DEA’s drug sniffing dog is always coming by to sniff your laundry because the strong stench makes him think you have 28 tons of pot in your closet.

Even after sewing 28 spring scented dryer sheets to the inside of your shirt, your friends still say you reek.

The phrase “Wash Me” is visibly written in your jeans.

Your red T-shirt is now green.

The boss pulls you aside to remind you that your company’s casual days does not include your college graduation gown and scuba diving fins.

The Top 10 Things Overheard In A Tax Preparer’s Office Prior To The Tax Filing Deadline

No sir, the government does not want you to pay your taxes in pennies.

I have a hard time believing that a garbage collector made $150,000 last year so for the last time, DID YOU HAVE ANY OTHER SOURCE OF INCOME!!!

How cute… a tax form done in crayon.

No sir, its do your taxes every year and renew your driver’s license every 4 years, not the other way around.

Just because you talk to your plants ma’am, you cannot, repeat CANNOT list them as your dependants.

No Ms Lewinsky, your oval office “contributions” are not the same as when you check the dollar box at the top of your 1040 form.

Even if you are a hooker, the number of orgasms you’ve had cannot count as a business expense.

I’m sorry, I’m not sure I follow your “Give me an extension and I’ll give you an extension later at my place” argument.

I take it that because you have decided to do origami with your tax form that you’re not receptive to paying your taxes this year.

Just remember the IRS motto, buddy: Screw us now, we’ll screw you later!!

Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.

Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, all of you just shut UP!”

Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.

Sell Girl Scout cookies.

On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

Shave.

Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”

Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

Lean over to another passenger and whisper: “Noogie patrol coming!”

Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

One word: Flatulence!

On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom.

Do Tai Chi exercises.

Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: “I’ve got new socks on!”

When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, not now, motion sickness!”

Give religious tracts to each passenger.

Meow occassionally.

Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

Sing “Mary had a little lamb” while continually pushing buttons.

Holler “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.

Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.

Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.

Burp, and then say “mmmm…tasty!”

Leave a box between the doors.

Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers “through” it.

Start a sing-along.

When the elevator is silent, look around and ask “is that your beeper?”

Play the harmonica.

Shadow box.

Say “Ding!” at each floor.

Lean against the button panel.

Say “I wonder what all these do” and push the red buttons.

Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space.”

Bring a chair along.

Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: “Wanna see wha in muh mouf?”

Blow spit bubbles.

Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”

Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

Wear “X-Ray Specs” and leer suggestively at other passengers.

Stare at your thumb and say “I think it’s getting larger.”

If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler “Bad touch!”

Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”

If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”

Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think.”

Practice making fax and modem noises.

Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc.” them to your boss.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.”

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Adjust the background color on your email so that all your email correspondence is in green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”

Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a “croaking” noise.

Honk and wave to strangers.

Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE..

type only in lowercase.

dont use any punctuation either

Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”

As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, “no, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.

Ask people what gender they are.

While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Sing along at the opera.