Top Ten Ways to Know You Bought A Second-Rate Death Star
1. It has a central exhaust port just below the main port.
2. It is not a fully armed and operational battle station.
3. It won’t go into hyperspace unless you yell, ‘Engage!’
4. It has the ability to destroy a planet, but it is still insignificant next to the power of the force.
5. It was designed by NASA.
6. Every corridor leads to a large, bottomless pit.
7. The Jawas sold it to you at a loss.
8. The ‘Intel Inside’ sticker is starting to peel off.
9. It has NCC-1701 painted on it.
10. One word: Outgassing!
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Top 10 Reasons Anakin Skywalker Went to the Dark Side
1. Wanted cool voice like James Earl Jones’
2. Owed money to Jabba the Hutt, could refinance debt through the Empire
3. Wanted to use the Force to prop up Chrysler stock
4. Charmed by Emporer Palpatine’s seductive after-shave
5. Misunderstood name, thought the “Dirk Side” was fan club for pretty-boy actor Dirk Benedict
6. Kicked in head by bantha
7. To impress the babes
8. To escape cruel taunting over dorky name
9. Sick and tired of mentor Obi-Wan Kenobi reciting lines from “Bridge over the River Kwai”
10. Generous Dark Lords of the Sith pension plan
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Top Ten Ways Michael Jackson Would Be Cooler if He Lived in the Star Wars Universe
1. Due to high loss-of-hand rate, wearing one glove is fashionably acceptable
2. Would not have needed huge effects budget for ‘Captain EO’
3. In shocking revelation, he might have really been the father of Billie Jean’s son
4. Could really walk on moons
5. After skin-altering disease, could become Light Lord of the Sith
6. Could ease tensions between Empire and Alliance with anti-violence message of ‘Beat It’
7. Imperial breath mask could give him the deep voice he never had
8. Improved medical technology could make new nose and chin more realistic
9. Would have sure-fire hit with Sy Snootles duet
10. Would strengthen characterization of movies by making Luke look manly
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10. Playing high-stakes dodgeball with asteroids.
9. Seeing how bad things smell on the INSIDE.
8. Snowball fights.
7. Salvaging wreckage.
6. Watching your pee freeze before it hits the ground.
5. Pitching rocks into Space Slug’s cave; running away when he comes out.
4. Hunting Wampas with a bowcaster.
3. Tauntaun tipping.
2. Leaving.
1. Reminding yourself, “At least this is better than Dagobah.”
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10. When arguing Star Wars against Star Trek, you use the words ‘Star Trek Sissy Boys’ at least 15 times.
9. You believe President Clinton should increase its budget. (I’m sorry, wrong Star Wars!)
8. At a Star Wars collectibles convention, you purchase Gammorean Guard saliva.
7. You waste your time writing Star Wars Top Ten lists. (no comment)
6. You foolishly believe that Lucas will ACTUALLY make more Star Wars movies, when you know he’s just saying that so people will buy the new Star Wars merchandise and books, then in a year he’ll give his famous ‘I don’t feel like it’ speech.
5. You would feed yourself to the rancor if it meant finding out the name of Anakin’s wife.
4. You’d actually want a copy of that lousy Star Wars holiday special.
3. You stick up for Mark Hamill even when you know he’s a bad actor.
2. You shell out 10 bucks for a magazine that describes the planet Tatooine.
1. You have recurring nightmares about Episodes 1-3 being about a dysfunctional family of Ewoks.
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