Encyclopedia of Humor

Top 10 Reasons Why Bossk Is The Coolest Bounty Hunter

10. His action figure kicks butt.

9. Two words: live lunch.

8. His ship, “The Hound’s Tooth,” has bitchin’ flame decals and fuzzy dice.

7. It’s easier to give someone the middle finger since he’s only got three fingers.

6. He’s the only bounty hunter with built-in snakeskin.

5. His bloddshot eyes are from constant partying.

4. He’s nice to his mother.

3. He had the nerve to threaten an Imperial admiral on the Empire’s flagship.

2. He skins Wookiees. ‘Nuff said.

1. Can eat his own weight in Ewoks.

Top Ten Scenes Taken Out of The Star Wars Trilogy Special Edition

10. Tauntaun and Hoth Wampa rendition of The Ice Capades.

9. Luke, Obi-Wan, C3PO, R2-D2, and the Jawas singing “Follow The Yellow Brick Road.”

8. The Modal Nodes replaced in the Mos Eisley Cantina with GWAR.

7. Englebert Humperdink singing with The Max Rebo Band. (maybe he got fed to the Rancor?)

6. Eric Estrada and Larry Wilcox as a couple more Biker Scouts in ROTJ. (this is CHIPS for those who don’t remember that far back in the ’80′s)

5. Snowball fight amongst the Rebels on Hoth.

4. Spaceball I making a cameo appearance amongst the Imperial Fleet.

3. Grand Moff Tarkin hosting a poker game on the Death Star.

2. Bob Denver aka Gilligan as the second in command of the Executor.

1. Instead of letting of fireworks, the X-Wings in ROTJ decide to strafe the living hell out of the Ewok village.

10. X-Ray vision: for checking out what the other gender jedi were hiding under their robes. Banned by Yoda (something to do with small-man’s complex).

9. Super-Complaino-Power: the ability to complain one’s way out of any tough situation (see Luke Skywalker)

8. Insect Repellant: ability to generate an insect repelling force field

7. Rejection Perception: ability to see if opposite gender will reject or accept a dinner date proposal before the proposal is made (this way, the studly line, “you could use a good kiss,” would be met with something other than, “I’d just as soon kiss a wookie.”

6. Coffee Warming Power: ability to warm a cup of coffee with hands (or other small snack items sorta like a microwave).

5. Ability-to-see-sith-coming-out-of-thousand-year-hiding-and-start-taking-over -galaxy-power: (see TPM)

4. Ewok-Exploding-Power: deemed too close to the good side/bad side borderline for universal use.

3. Nookie-stamina-increasing-power: really tried on this one, ladies, and is still in development today. requires lots of practice with a willing partner…

2. Extra-sensory-clitoral-proximity-locating-power: (goes with three) ‘been trying for THOUSANDS of years on this one, ladies, and haven’t given up yet, rest assured. Your urgent requests have kept it at #2 again. It remains one of the great mysteries of the Galaxy. In fact, its probably because so much jedi mental resource was being used to develop this power that #4 failed. Could be, you never know! Stop throwing stuff at me!

1. Bad-joke-protection

10. Having to live a good part of my life with the name ‘Anakin.’

9. Obi-Wan Kenobi keeps appearing in the middle of the night saying ‘I told you so!’

8. Boba Fett gets all the chicks.

7. All I did was torture hundreds of innocent people, wipe out an entire generation of Jedi Knights, assist in destroying the rightful government in exchange for a malevolent dictatorship, destroy a planet, torture my daughter that I didn’t even know existed, chop off my son’s hand and I’m the bad guy.

6. The way G.M. tries to skirt around installing new safety features (Whoops! Sorry, that’s a Ralph Nader pet peeve).

5. That darn Energizer bunny.

4. Whenever I eat at a KFC, everyone jokes that I’ll only eat dark meat.

3. Wiseguys who come up to me saying ‘This is CNN.’

2. When appearing together at military functions, The Emperor always insists on wearing his ‘I’m with stupid’ T-shirt.

1. I’m seen as a dark lord representative of all that’s evil, but Newt Gingrich is a national celebrity.

Top Ten Reasons Han Won’t Let Chewie Take The Falcon For A Spin

1. Chewie insists on putting ‘Don’t Like My Driving? Call 1-800-EAT-FODDER’ on the back of the Falcon.

2. Han stopped letting Chewie take the controls after nasty encounter with bounty hunter at Ord Mantel when Chewie flipped him the bird.

3. Friends don’t let friends fly when they’re in heat.

4. Chewie always puts the deep-space communications bandwidth on KWOOKIE: less talk, more rock.

5. Chewie’s already punctured the airbags with those damned claws of his.

6. When Chewie tells Han to ‘punch it’ in wookie, it loses some effect and doesn’t sound as cool when spoken in English.

7. Chewie constantly forgets to flush, and the stench has started to erode the circuits in the holo-chess game.

8. Chewie always wants to go to Mos Eisley to pick up some digitless babes with horns.

9. Chewie insists Han to sing the low parts in showtunes when they go on long voyages together.

10. He’s always wanting to drag with Imperial Star Destroyers.