Encyclopedia of Humor

1. The doctor because he says, “Take off your clothes”

2. The dentist because he says, “Open Wide”

3. The hairdresser because he says, “Do you want it teased or blown”

4. The milkman because he says, “Do you want it in the front or in back?”

5. The Interior Decorator because he says, “Once you have it all in, you’ll love it!”

6. The banker because he says,”If you take it out too soon, you’ll lose interest”

7. The police officer because he says, “Spread ‘em”

8. The mailman because he always delivers his package.

9. The pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.

10. The hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

1. My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.

2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?

3. Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?

4. Can you believe it! Those shitheads at the corner market won’t cash my welfare check!

5. We’re going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times.

6. Those home pregnancy kits aren’t very reliable, in my opinion.

7. Sara is so pretty I’ve decided to give up being bisexual just for her.

8. Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn’t it?

9. There ain’t nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara’s will be okay too.

10. Can I pull my car in your garage? I’m not sure how long that cop car will stay lost.

10. JRLA — Janet Reno Look-Alike

9. CWP — Cigar-Wielding President

8. MSG S/G W/B M/F KOPWPFYB — Moonwalking Single-Gloved Straight/Gay White/Black Male/Female King Of Pop With Predilection For Young Boys

7. RHMI — Really Hip Macarena Instructor

6. HAWGSOH — Heroin Addict With Great Sense Of Humor

5. STLSM — Show Tune-Loving Straight Male

4. SWFWHBTP — Single White Female Who Has Blown The President

3. EHWC — Extremely Hairy White Chick

2. WARSADAP — Works At Radio Shack And Drives A Pinto And The Number One

1. WSUBFC — Will Screw Ugly Bastards For Cash

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

In case you missed the article, someone once found a condom in a McDonald’s hamburger.

10. We were test marketing the new “McTrojan”

9. Condom, Condiment – what’s the damn difference

8. It still tastes better than the Arch Deluxe

7. It was either there or in the vanilla shake

6. Turns out the rumors about Grimace and Mayor McCheese are true

5. We’re experimenting with a new even happier Happy Meal

4. So what – a regular Big Mac is 60% latex anyway

3. Employees too embarrassed to say “Would you like condoms with that”

2. Drive-thru speaker broken- “Coke with lots of ice” sounded like “Prophylactic device”

1. When you’re serving billions and billions, you can’t be too careful.