Encyclopedia of Humor

Top Ten Signs Your Spouse May Be Having An On-Line Affair

10. Lately she sits at the computer naked.

9. After signing off, he always has a cigarette.

8. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.

7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.

6. He’s gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand.

5. She makes sarcastic remarks about your “software”.

4. Lipstick on the mouse.

3. During sex, she screams “A colon backslash enter insert!”

2. The fax file is filled with pictures of someone’s butt.

1. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underwear.

Top Ten Reasons Why Trick-Or-Treating Is Better Than Sex

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7) You don’t have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6) It’s O.K. when the person you’re with fantasizes you’re someone else, because you are.

5) Forty years from now you’ll still enjoy candy.

4) If you don’t like what you get, you can always go next door.

3) It doesn’t matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2) Less guilt the morning after.

1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

Top Ten Things Samuel L. Jackson Should Have Said in the Star Wars Prequel

Note: In case you didn’t know, Samuel L. Jackson was in the first prequel as “Jedi Master Mace Windu”

10. You don’t need to see my goddamn identification, ’cause these ain’t the motherfuckin’ droids you’re looking for.

9. Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I’ll never know, ’cause I’d never touch the filthy motherfucker.

8. This is your father’s lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively, have to kill every motherfuckin’ stormtrooper in the room … accept no substitutes.

7. If Obi-Wan ain’t home then I don’t know what the fuck we’re gonna do. I ain’t got no other connections on Tatooine.

6. Feel the Force, Motherfucker.

5. ‘What’ ain’t no planet I’ve ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce on ‘What’?

4. You sendin’ the Fett? Shit, Hutt, that’s all you had to say!

3. Yeah, Chewie’s got a hair problem. What the brother gonna do? He’s a Wookie.

2. Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch? Then why are you tryin’ to fuck him like one?

1. Hand me my lightsaber… it’s the one that says, ‘Bad Ass Mother Fucker.’

Yet to experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time

You get to eat insect food like snails and frog’s legs

If there’s a war you can surrender really early

You don’t have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.

You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people’s countries

You can be ugly and still become a famous film star

Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride

People think you’re a great lover even when you’re not

Generic-looking green van parked across the street with Notre Dame bumper sticker.

Every time you turn around the pitter-pattering stops and that green fire hydrant seems to have gotten a little closer.

Green lipstick marks on the butt of your Dockers.

You’re being followed by a large woman with a sultry voice and a dying career. (Oops! That’s a sign you’re being stalked by Chaka Khan.)

You don’t recall owning an anatomically correct lawn gnome.

Card delivered with the bouquet of 4-leaf clovers reads, “I bet you’re magically delicious!”

When you come home from work, the potatoes are missing from the cupboard and your parrot is singing “Danny Boy.”

Prank caller has a really corny Irish accent, and Richard Gere has an airtight alibi.

Those tiny green hairs on your toilet seat.

Sultry voice from shower soap dish asks, “Is that your shillelagh, or are you just happy to see me?”

Pink hearts, yellow moons, blue diamonds scratched on your car at knee-level, and Ross Perot is nowhere to be found.

Them little green pellets in the litter box ain’t M&M’s, Chester.

Every day this week you’ve noticed the same buckle shoes dangling just above the floor in the stall next to you.