Encyclopedia of Humor

10. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can’t because there isn’t one typewriter in your house –only computers with laser printers.

9. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

8. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

7. You think of the gadgets in your office as “friends,” but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

6. You know Bill Gates’ e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.

5. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading JohnGrisham novels.

4. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.

3. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty’s address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write is letterhead.

2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

1. You sign Christmas cards by putting next to your signature.

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

9. A better model is always just around the corner.

8. They look nice and shiny, until you bring them home.

7. It is always necessary to have a backup.

6. They’ll do whatever you say, if you push the right buttons.

5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

3. The lights are on but nobody’s home.

2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.

1. Size does matter.

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.

10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.

9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

6. You can focus better with one eye closed.

5. You fall off the floor.

5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.

4. You haven’t had a driver’s license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.

3. Roseanne looks good.

2. You don’t recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.

1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.

1. “I’m gonna kill her”

2. “Shit, They found the body”

3. “Where’s my lawyer?”

4. “He’s still alive?”

5. “They’ve got nothing on me”

6. “I thought I got rid of the evidence”

7. “I told him to hide the body in the boiler, not the shed”

8. “Fuck”

9. “I didn’t do it”

10. “Can they convict me on heresay?”