Encyclopedia of Humor

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took
their drink order.

I would like a Sprite, said the first little piggy.

I would like a Coke, said the second little piggy.

I want beer, lots and lots of beer, said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

I want a nice big bowl of oatmeal, said the first piggy.

I would like the salad plate, said the second piggy.

I want beer, lots and lots of beer, said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table
and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

I want a banana split, said the first piggy.

I want a root beer float, said the second piggy.

I want beer, lots and lots of beer, exclaimed the third little piggy.

Pardon me for asking, said the waiter to the third little piggy, but why
have you only ordered
beer all evening?

The third piggy says -

Well, somebody has to go ‘Wee, wee, wee,
all the way home!

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.
Seeing God, she asked, Is my time up? God said, No. You have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live. Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck.
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didnt you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?

God replied, Girrrlllllll, I didnt even recognize you!

The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit
from one of her fellow church members.

How are you feeling? the visitor asked.

Oh, said the lady, Im just worried sick!

What are you worried about, dear? her friend asked. You look like
youre in good health. They are taking care of you, arent they?

Yes, they are taking very good care of me.

Are you in any pain? she asked.

No, I have never had a pain in my life.

Well, what are you worried about? her friend asked again.

The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her
major worry.

Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to
heaven. Im afraid theyre all wondering where I went.

10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate’s potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate’s potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, “He just didn’t belong.”

9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.

Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, “The hair, it’s growing. Growing!”

7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you’re doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, “Soon, soon….”

6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.

5) Tell your roommate, “I’ve got an important message for you.” Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can’t remember what the message was. Later on, say, “Oh, yeah, I remember!” Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.

4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.

3) Make a sandwich. Don’t eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, “Hey, where the heck is my sandwich!?” Complain loudly that you are hungry.

2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, “Hooray! You’re back!” as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, “Shouldn’t you be going somewhere?”

1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, “No, I want to watch them suffer.”

Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress
(reading her name tag)?

A: “‘Debbie’. . . that’s cute. What did you name the other one?”