Encyclopedia of Humor

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable the food is terrible, its too hot, its too cold and the accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. Good luck will be following you all your days, if you kiss the Blarney Stone, the guide said. Unfortunately, its being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow.

We cant be here tomorrow, the nasty woman shouted. We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we cant kiss the stupid stone.

Well now, the guide said, it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, youll have the same good fortune.

And I suppose youve kissed the stone, the woman scoffed.

No, maam, the frustrated guide said, but Ive sat on it.

BOAT FOR SALE Thibodaux marches up to Beaudreauxs front porch and wraps hard on the
door and Beaudreaux opens it.

Thibodaux say, Beaudreaux ! How long we ban frands ?

Beaudreaux say, Well………All our lives Thibodeaux

Thibodaux say, Why dont you told me you gotta boat?

Beaudreaux say, I ant gotta boat !

Thibodaux say, Da sign say; BOAT FOR SALE.

Beaudreaux say, OH-NO Thibodaux ! ….See dat old ‘72 ford
pickemup truck over-dare

Thibodaux say, yas, I see dat old pickemup truck

Beaudreaux say, See dat ‘76 Cheverloet Ce-dan

Thibodaux say, yas, I see dat Ce-dan

Beaudreaux say, Well, dey boat for sale

Students in an AP Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was: Name seven advantages of ‘Mothers Milk…. The students had to answer all seven advantages, or he/she would get no credit. One thoughtful young man turned in the following exam

1. It is perfect formula for the child.

2. It provides immunity against several diseases.

3. It is always at the right temperature.

4. It is inexpensive.

5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6. It is always available as needed.

He got stuck and couldnt think of another advantage. He had completed the rest of the exam. He knew how important seven points were toward the final score. Finally, in desperation, as the bell rang, and as tests were being collected, he wrote:

7. It comes in such cute containers.

……………………. He got an A

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot.

One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasnt unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.

Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and debated calling the cops, but since they didnt know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?

He hadnt and said so.

Then she said, Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what shes really doing.

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.

The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

Well? Is she selling drugs? she asked excitedly.

No, shes not, he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

Well? What is it, then? What does she do? his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, Shes a battery salesperson.

Batteries? cried the wife.

Yes, he replied.

She sells C cells by the sea shore.

When our son was four months old, I caught sight of my husband in another room, holding the baby on his lap, talking to him and pointing. I was touched by this father-son bonding and went into the room to eavesdrop.

Baseball, my husband said slowly, pointing to the television.
This is Yankee baseball.