Encyclopedia of Humor

A man walks into a bar and yells “Bartender, give me twenty shots of your best single malt scotch!”

The bartender pours the shots and the man drinks them down one at a time, as fast as he can.

The bartender says “Wow, I never saw anyonebody drink that fast” The man replies by saying, “Well, you’d drink fast if you had what I have” The bartender says “Oh my god, what do you have??!!”

The man says “Fifty cents”

A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars. The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy.

“What the heck are you doing ?” he asks the drunk.

“I’m looking for my car, and I can’t find it.” he replies.

“So how does feeling the roof help you ?” asks the puzzled manager.

“well,” replies the drunk earnestly, “MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!”

Two fellows have been at the bar now for quite a while, downing several mugs with abandon. They both look at the far end of the bar, in the direction of an unattractive woman who came in a while back.

The first fellow looks back at the second fellow and says, “Ya know, that woman is looking better and better, isn’t she?”

The second fellow takes another look at the woman, then looks back at his friend and says, “well, I guess what they say is true, then, eh?”

The first fellow asks, “Well, what DO they say?” The second fellow answers, “Beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder!”

This guy is sitting at a bar having a few wobbly-pops and suddenly gets this feeling that he has to go make an urgent call to the potty. So he goes into the bathroom and sees this really short guy taking a piss. He takes the stall next to this short guy, and while taking a piss the guy happens to look over at the little guy and by accident sees his dick. He just can’t help saying to the guy “man that is a big dick! I wish that I had a dick that big!”

“Well” says the little guy,” I’m leprechaun and I can grant you one wish, and all you have to do is suck on me wang!”

In horror of the thought the man exclaims, “I don’t think so you little faggot, even for a dick that size!”

“Fine then” says the leprechaun.

But after a minute of thinking the man says “Alright I’ll do it.” So the man starts to suck the leprechaun’s dick and when he is finished he says “I can’t believe that I am going to have a dick that big!”

And the little guy says, “I can’t believe you thought I was a leprechaun!”

At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.

“It opens at noon” answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.

“What time does the bar open?” he asks.

“Same time as before… Noon.” replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered “Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?”

The clerk then answers, “It opens at noon, but if you can’t wait, I can have room service send something up to you.”

“No… I don’t wanna git in… Ah wanna git OUT!!!”