Encyclopedia of Humor

A man in a bar had a couple of beers, and the bartender told him he owed 4 dollars.

“But I paid, don’t you remember?” said the customer.

“Okay,” said the bartender. “If you say you paid, you did.”

The man then went outside and told a friend that the bartender couldn’t keep track of his customers’ bills. The second man then rushed in and ordered a beer. When it came time to pay he pulled the same stunt.

The barkeep replied, “If you say you paid, I’ll take your word for it.”

Soon the customer went into the street, saw an old friend, and told him how to get free drinks.

The man hurried into the bar and began to drink high balls when, suddenly, the bartender leaned over and said, “You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose.”

“Don’t bother me with your troubles,” the final patron responded. “Just give me my change and I’ll be on my way.”

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud says, “Man, I wish we had something to drink!” Jim says, “Me too. Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?” So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings… It’s Jim.

Jim says, “Hey, how do you feel this morning?” Bud says, “I feel great. How about you?” Jim says, “I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?” Bud says, “No, that jet fuel is great stuff — no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.” “Yeah, well there’s just one thing…” “What’s that?” “Have you farted yet?” “No…..”

“Well, DON’T, ’cause I’m in PHOENIX!!!”

A guy walks into a bar and notices he’s the only one there, apart from the barkeep, who’s on the phone. The barkeep signals him that he’ll be with him in a minute. The guy nods and bellies up to the bar to wait. Suddenly, he hears a little voice say, “Hey, you’re looking pretty sharp today. New suit?”

The guy looks around but can’t see anyone else in the place. He hears the voice again. “Seriously…you are looking good, chum. Have you lost weight?”

The guy looks around again and still doesn’t see anyone. “Hello?” he asks. “Is someone speaking to me?”

“You bet! I just had to say that I thought you were looking just super!” A bunch of other tiny voices suddenly rose in agreement.

The guy realizes now that these voices are coming from a bowl of beer nuts on the bar in front of him. He stares at them as the barkeep finally hangs up and comes to serve his only customer.

“What’ll you have?” asks the barkeep.

“What?… Oh, a pint of ale, I guess”, mutters the guy, still staring at the nuts.

He finally looks up at the barkeep drawing his pint. “What’s the deal with these nuts?” he asks.

The barkeep brings the guy’s pint over and sets it before him. “They’re complimentary”, he shrugs.

A Polak, an Italian and an Irishman got out of work and were deciding where to go for a drink. The Irishman said “Let’s all go to O’Learys. With every third round, the bartender will give each of us a free Guiness.”

The Italian said “That sounds good, but if we go to Baldini’s with every third round they bring a free bottle of wine to the table.”

The Polak said “That sounds fine but if we go to Kowalski’s we drink for free all night and then go out into the parking lot and get laid.”

“That sounds to good to be true!” the Irishman exclaimed. “Have you actually been there?”

“No,” the Polak replied, “but my wife goes there all the time.”

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

“Maybe all I need is some fresh air,” thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

“Screw it,” he thought. “I’ll just crawl home.”

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

“You went out drinking last night, didn’t you?” she said.

“Uh, yes,” he said sheepishly. “How did you know?”

“You left your wheelchair at the bar again.”