Encyclopedia of Humor

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

She gestures alluringly to the barman, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals for him to bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.

“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

“Actually, no” he replies.

“Can you get him for me — I need to speak to him.” She is running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

“I’m afraid that I can’t,” breathes the barman, clearly aroused. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room.”

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any instrument in the world.

He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him … so he says he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can’t play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. So the man pays his $50.

Another guy walks up with a trumpet, The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays his $50.

A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sets it down with a confused look.

“Ha!”, the man says, “can’t you play it?”

The octopus looks up at the man and says “Play it? I’m going to fuck it as soon as I get its pajamas off.”

Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a loser.

Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again.

Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

Consumption of alcohol may convince you that your ex is really dying to hear from you at 4 am.

Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can’t remember).

Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that you’re tougher than a really big guy named Kong.

Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small… or large gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

A man and his wife are awoken at 3 o’clock in the morning by a knock on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a stranger is asking for a push.

“Not a chance” says the husband — “It’s three o’clock in the morning!” He closes the door and returns to bed.

“Who was it?” asks his wife.

“Just a stranger asking for a push” he answers.

“Did you help him? she asks.

“No I didn’t — it’s three in the morning”

“Well you’ve got a short memory” says his wife, “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down on holiday and those two guys helped us?. I think you should help him.”

The man does as he is told and returns to the front door and calls out into the dark “Hello — are you still there?”

“Yes”, comes the answer.

“Do you still want a push?” calls out the husband.

“Yes please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the husband

“Over here on the swing” the man replies.

A lady walks into a bar and says,

“Barkeep, gimme a martooni.” The bartender goes back and fixes her a martini. She downs it and says, “Barkeep, gimme another martooni.”

So he goes back and fixes her another martini. She downs that, and just sits there and doesn’t say anything. Finally after about 10 minutes bartender says, “Would you like another?”

She says, “Oh, no, I got this terrible heartburn.”

The bartender says, “Okay, there are three things wrong here:

Number 1: It’s martini, not martooni.

Number 2: It’s bartender, not barkeep, and

Number 3: You’re not having heartburn, your boob’s in the ash tray.”