Encyclopedia of Humor

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and – still politely if not more firmly – refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, “Man! How many bars do you work at?”

Bob woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

“Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?”

“Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn. “You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.”

“He’s an idiot,” Bob said. “Piss on him!” “You did,” came the reply. “And he fired you.”

“Well, screw him!” said Bob. “I did. You’re back at work on Monday.”

There was this guy who had been to about every bar in town. So one night, he hopped into a taxi cab and told the driver to take him to the best bar in town. The cabby took him to a bar, where he got half-drunk. He hopped into the same cab and said that the bar wasn’t good enough — take him to another one. The cabby took him to another bar, where the guy had the time of his life.

The next morning, this guy was in yet another bar telling his buddy what a good time he had the night before, but he couldn’t remember where he was. All he could remember was a red door and a golden toilet

seat.

“Man, we gotta find this place,” said his buddy.

So the two spent half the day searching for a bar with a red door until they found one. They walked in, and the guy asked the bartender, “Was I here last night and too drunk to tell? All I remember is a red door and a golden toilet seat.”

The bartender hollered to the back, “HEY, FRED. HERE’S THAT SON OF A BITCH WHO TOOK A SHIT IN YOUR TUBA LAST NIGHT.”

After a hot, hard day’s work Joe went into a bar to quench his thirst. He walked up to the bar and asked the bartender for a beer.

The bartender replied “There’s one thing every man has to do here before getting served. You have to tell me the name of your penis.”

Joe thought it was a bit silly and asked the bartender what he named his. The bartender said ” I named mine Nike…like you know… just go for it!”

So he thought about it for a few minutes then said ” I got one… Secret.” The bartender said “Why Secret?” Joe said “Well… it’s strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.”

The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a woman just passing and said, “Pardon me miss, do you happen to have the time?”

In a strident voice, she responded, “How dare you make such a proposition to me!”

The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortably aware that every pair of eyes in the place had turned to his direction. He mumbled, “I just asked for the time, miss.”

In an even louder voice, the woman shrieked, “I WILL CALL THE POLICE IF YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD!”

Grabbing his drink and embarrassed very nearly to death, the man hastened to the far end of the room and huddled at a table, holding his breath and wondering how soon he could sneak out the door.

Not more than half a minute later, the woman joined him. In a quiet voice, she said, “I’m terribly sorry to have embarrassed you, but I am a psychologist and I am studying the reaction of human beings to shocking statements.”

The man stared at her for five seconds, then he leaned back and bellowed, “YOU’D DO ALL THAT FOR ME ALL NIGHT LONG FOR JUST TWO DOLLARS? WHAT’S THAT?….. AND YOU’D DO IT TO EVERY GUY IN THIS BAR FOR ANOTHER TEN DOLLARS?!?!”