Encyclopedia of Humor

While leading a party of Girl Scouts through the woods in silent Indian fashion, the troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in an indecent act.

“Back ladies, back!” cried the leader. “There’s a very dangerous beast out there!”

But it was too late. Several of the girls had more or less seen it all. They asked their leader what was happening.

“Well, if you must know, that man and woman were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration.”

“Wow!” exclaimed the oldest of the group. “I know which merit badge I’m gonna try for next.”

Little Johnny was walking down the beach, and he spied a matronly woman sitting under a beach umbrella on the sand. He walked up to her and asked, “Are you a Christian?”

“Yes.” she replied.

“Do you read your Bible every day?”

She nodded her head, “Yes.”

“Do you pray often?” the boy asked next, and again she answered, “Yes.”

With that he asked his final question, “Will you hold my quarter while I go swimming?”

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries.

The boy opened a box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.

“What are you doing?” his mother asked.

“The box says you can’t eat them if the seal is broken,” the boy explained, “so I’m looking for the seal!”

Two parents take their son on a vacation to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach, and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says, “Mommy, I saw ladies with breasts a lot bigger than yours!”

The mom says, “The bigger they are, the dumber they are.”

So he goes back to play.

Minutes later, he runs back and says, “Mommy, I saw men with penises a lot bigger than Daddy’s!”

The mom says, “The bigger they are, the dumber they are.”

So he goes back to play.

Several minutes later, he comes running back and says, “Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more they talked, the dumber he got!”

One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes.

She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said, “what are you supposed to say sweetheart?”

The little girl looks up at the woman and says “Twick or Tweat!”

The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, “Go ahead honey say it just one more time.”

Once again the little Angel looks up and says, “Twick or Tweat!”

The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl’s Treat Bag.

The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, “Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my fucking cookies!”