Encyclopedia of Humor

Do you know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men?

They would have asked directions,

arrived on time,

helped deliver the baby,

cleaned the stable,

made a casserole, and,

brought practical gifts.

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, “Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”

The kid replies, “Yeah.”

The cop says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike.”

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, “By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”

Humoring the kid, the cop says, “Yeah, he sure did.”

The kid continued, “Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top.”

There was a man who wanted to find the perfect gift for his wife. He went to the store and asked the salesclerk and asked him what he should get his wife. The salesclerk brought out a parrot. The salesclerk said, this is no ordinary parrot, if you light a match under it’s right foot, it plays Silent Night, if you light a match under it’s left foot, it plays Santa Claus is Coming to Town. The salesclerk made sure to tell him that the name of the parrot is Chet.

The man thought it would be great, so he took it home. He let his wife open it early, since it was a living thing. He told her what great songs it played. They wondered what it would play if they lit a match under it’s crotch. So, they did. The parrot sang “Chet’s Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire.”

- Go buy a turkey

- Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) OR JD

- Put turkey in the oven

- Take another 2 drinks of whiskey

- Set the degree at 375 ovens

- Take 3 more whiskeys of drink

- Turn oven the on

- Take 4 whisks of drinky

- Turk the bastey

-

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, “I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.

She answers, ‘My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I am single and I’m Catholic too!”

The nun says “OK, pull into the next alley.”

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. “My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?”

“Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK, my name is Kevin and I’m on my way to a Halloween party.”