Encyclopedia of Humor

These are actual excuse notes teachers have received, spelling mistakes included.

My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Freddie ran into the kitchen crying and cradling something in his hands. “Mommy, my turtle is dead,” Freddie told his mother as he held the turtle out to her.

His mother kissed him on the head, then said, “That’s all right. We’ll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, then have a nice burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we’ll go out for an ice cream soda, and then get you a new pet. I don’t want you . . .” Her voice trailed off as she noticed the turtle move. “Freddie, your turtle is not dead after all.”

“Oh,” the boy said. “Can I kill it?”

Little Tim was in the garden filling a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Tim?”

“My goldfish died,” replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbor said, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it, Tim?”

Tim patted down the last heap of earth and replied, “That’s because I couldn’t get him out of your cat.”

A husband and wife were screwing up a storm. Afterward, the husband headed to the bathroom to clean up. He was halfway down the hall when his 6-year-old son also stepped into the hallway and was shocked to see his old man standing there wearing nothing more than a condom.

The boy pointed at his father’s penis and asked, “Dad, what are you doing?”

The father, not wanting to explain sex or birth control, started with a bullshit story. “Son, I’m trying to catch a mouse.”

The boy, still in shock, asked, “What are ya gonna do when ya catch it … fuck it?”

A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

“I don’t want to know!” the child said, bursting into tears.

“Promise me you won’t tell me.”

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

“Oh dad,” the boy sobbed, “when I was 6 I got the there’s no Santa speech. At 7, I got the there’s no Easter Bunny speech. When I Was 8, you hit me with the there’s no Tooth Fairy’ speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don’t really fuck, I’ll have nothing left to live for.