Encyclopedia of Humor

A man and his son were walking through a cemetery. The boy asked, “Daddy, do they bury two people in the same grave?”

The father said, “Two people? Let me look.”

So the father took a look, and sure enough, the marker said, “Here lies a symphony conductor and a humble man.”

“Hey, Mom,” asked Johnny “can you give me twenty dollars?”

“Certainly not.”

“If you do,” he went on, “I’ll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop.”

His mother’s ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. “Well? What did he say?”

“He said, ‘Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.’ “

A little girl came running into the house crying her eyes out and cradling her hand.

“Mommy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!” she wailed.

“Why do you want a glass of cider?” asked mom.

“I cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away.”

Confused, but weary of the child’s whining, the mother obliged and poured her a glass of cider. The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it.

“Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn’t work!” whined the little one.

“What are you talking about?” asked her increasingly perplexed parent.

“Well I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can’t wait to get it in cider!”

The teacher of the school geography class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked:

“Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”

After a confused silence, little Johnny volunteered – “I guess you’d be eating alone!”

Mary’s fourth grade homework assignment was to make sentences using the words in her spelling list, along with the definition. Coming across the word “frugal” in the list, she asked her father what it meant. He explained that being frugal meant you saved something.

Her paper read: “Frugal: to save.”

Sentence: “Maid Marion fell into a pit when she went walking in the woods so she yelled for someone to come get her out.

She yelled “Frugal me, Frugal me!’”