Encyclopedia of Humor

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, “I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can’t solve.”

Three months down the track there is major drama, everything goes wrong – the usual stuff – and the manager feels very threatened by it all.

He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says “Blame your predecessor!” He does this and gets off the hook.

About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, “Reorganize!” This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.

Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says “Prepare three envelopes”.

Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a defense company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, “You’re all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So please don’t trouble any of the other employees.” The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says, “You’re all working very hard, and I’m very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?”

The cannibals all shake their heads no.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, “Which of you idiots ate the janitor?”

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, “You fool! For four weeks we’ve been eating Team Leaders, Supervisors and Project Managers and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!”

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural history museum.

“I’ve just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!” the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, “Bring him in. We’ll check it out.”

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. “You were right about the mummy’s age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?”

“Simple…there was a piece of paper in his hand that said – put me down for 10,000 Shekels on Goliath’.”

When you take a long time, you’re slow.

When your boss takes a long time, he’s thorough.

When you don’t do it, you’re lazy.

When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.

When you make a mistake, you’re an idiot.

When your boss makes a mistake, he’s only human.

When doing something without being told, you’re overstepping your authority.

When your boss does the same thing, that’s initiative.

When you take a stand, you’re being bull-headed.

When your boss does it, he’s being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you’re being rude.

When your boss skips a few rules, he’s being original.

When you please your boss, you’re apple polishing.

When your boss pleases his boss, he’s being co-operative.

When you’re out of the office, you’re wandering around.

When your boss is out of the office, he’s on business.

When you’re on a day off sick, you’re always sick.

When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.

When your boss applies for leave, it’s because he’s overworked.

So you want the day off? Let’s take a look at what you are asking for….

There are 365 days per year available for work.

There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break. That accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.

With a one hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for work.

We are off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I’ll be Damned if you’re going to take that day off!!!