Encyclopedia of Humor

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone.

In astonishment, “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone.

“OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says,”I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of story: always let your boss have the first say.

“COMPETITIVE SALARY”

We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

“JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY”

We have no time to train you.

“CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE”

We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up.

“MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED”

You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

“SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED”

Some time each night and some time each weekend.

“DUTIES WILL VARY”

Anyone in the office can boss you around.

“MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL”

We have no quality control.

“CAREER-MINDED”

Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

“APPLY IN PERSON”

If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.

“NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE”

We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

“SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE”

You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.

“PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST”

You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

“REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS”

You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

“GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS”

Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

An office manager was sent three secretaries, equally qualified, to fill one vacancy. “Well,” thought the manager, “I’ll give them an honesty test to determine which secretary to keep.”

To this end, he gave each secretary a money bag to take and bank telling them that there was $50 in the bag. (In fact, he had placed $100 in each bag; thus the honesty test.)

The first secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50 and returns the extra $50 to the manager.

The second secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks the full $100, and returns with a deposit slip as proof.

The third secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50, goes to the local TAB and uses the $50 to win $300, then returns, explains to the manager and gives him the all the money.

Question: Which secretary does the manager select to retain?

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Answer: Well, DUH!… The one with the biggest breasts!

A woman walks into a fish shop. She is pretending that she is mute and says, “MM MM MM NN MNN.”

The clerk says, “What?”

The woman again mumbles, “MM MM MM NN MNN.”

The clerk replies, “I dont understand you, i’ll have to get my manager.”

The girl goes and gets her manager. The manager comes out and asks, “May i help you?”

The woman lifts up her shirt and the manager says, “HOLY MACKEREL.”

The woman replies, “Yes, I would like two pounds please.”

The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashier and was down to two final applicants — one of which would get the job.

The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstate New York. A nice young man, but a bit timid.

Then he called for the second man, “Jim Johnson!” Up stepped a burley young man who seemed quite sure of himself. “He looks like he can take care of any situation,” thought the manager, and decided, there and then, to hire him.

He turned to the first applicant and told him he could go and they would let him know.

Turning to Johnson, he said, “Now Jim, I like the way you carry yourself — that’s an important asset for the job as cashier. However, you must be precise. I noticed you did not

fill out the place on the application where we asked your formal education.”

Jim looked a little confused so the manager said, “Where did you get your financial education?”

“Oh,” replied Jim — “Yale.”

“That’s very good … excellent. You’re hired!”

“Now that you’re working for us, what do you prefer to be called?”

Jim answered “I don’t care… Yim… or Mr. Yonson.”