Encyclopedia of Humor

An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill. He thought he’d fire the employee who came to work late.

The next morning, both employees came to work very early. So the manager thought he would fire the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.

Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break. Strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day. They both ate at their desk.

Then the manager thought he’d wait to see who would leave work earliest, but both employees stayed after closing. Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, “Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don’t know whether to lay you or Jack off.”

Jill said, “Well, you’d better jack off, because I’m late for my bus.”

A guy went to apply for a job with the U.S. Postal Service. During the interview, the interviewer asked the guy if he was a veteran. The guy said “Yes, I fought over in Vietnam.”

Then the interviewer asked if the guy had any disabilities. The guy responded, “Well, I stepped on a landmine over there and blew my testicles off.”

“Great!” the interviewer responded. “We give disabled vets preference. You can start tomorrow morning at 10 a.m.”

“But doesnt everyone normally start at 8 a.m.?” asked the guy.

“Yes, but you dont have to come in until 10. All we do is just stand around and scratch our balls for the first two hours anyway.”

Sayings That Should Be On Those Office Inspirational Posters:

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos…then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

Plagiarism saves time.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

TEAMWORK…means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

We waste time so you don’t have to.

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Succeed in spite of management.

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Young Boudreaux applied for an engineering job way, way up north in Shreveport. A local man applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one question. The manager went up to Boudreaux and said “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the local man the job.” Boudreaux said “Why you gonna be doin dat sir, we both got 9 questions right?”

The manager said, “We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one you missed.”

Boudreaux asked “An jus how da heck would one incorrect answer be mo betta dan da otter?”

The manager replied, “Simple, the local man put down on question #5, ‘I don’t know,’ you put down, ‘neither do I.’

OBJECTIVETo sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor for eight hours, occasionally looking attentive when approached by a superior.

EDUCATION

School: Very Expensive

Major: Not Important

GPA: Don’t Ask

EMPLOYMENT

NETWORK MANAGEMENT (9/96-Present) Produced daily itinerary of television programs to watch. Duties included changing channels, avoiding infomercials, and staying tuned after those messages.

DEBT CONSOLIDATION (4/97-12/99) Using various tools such as credit cards and borrowed cash, I managed to combine groups of unpaid bills into one monthly bill that goes straight to my father.

RESIDENT INHALER (9/98-6/99) Assisted all students with chemical intake from purchasing to exhaling.

COMPUTER SKILLS

*Solitaire *Minesweeper *On/Off Repair Method HONORS AND AWARDS

*First Place in Miller Lite Funnel Tournament *Said Toast at brother’s wedding *High Score on Theta Chi’s Pin Ball Machine

For further references, contact my mother. For positive responses, please pose all questions as though you’re considering me as a law school applicant.