Encyclopedia of Humor

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender charges him 15 cents. Confused but not complaining, the man pays.

After a while, he decides to have another beer and some food, so he orders another beer and a steak. The bartender charges him 50 cents, 15 for the beer and 35 for the food.

After finishing his food and drink, he calls the bartender over and says, “Mate, that was the best steak I’ve ever had. I want to talk to the manager and thank him.”

“No problem,” says the bartender. “He’s upstairs with my wife.”

“What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?” asks the man.

“Probably the same thing I’m doing to his business down here!”

A man who isn’t qualified keeps pestering this tailor about giving him a job selling suits. Finally, the owner tells him if he can sell this one green suit he will give him a job.

Another employee points out to owner that they have had that suit on the rack for four years, and that it is such an ugly, green suit that nobody would ever buy it.

The owner replies, “Yeah, I know. That’s my way of getting rid of that pest!”

Two hours later the new guy calls his boss for his next assignment.

The owner cannot believe it and heads down to the store to see how this fellow did it. Upon arrival he sees his new salesman bleeding, scratched, and his clothes torn in several places, but smiling.

“Congratulations, the job is yours! Nobody has come close to selling that old, ugly, green suit.

But tell me, what in the world happened to you?”

“Well, replied the salesman, the guy that bought the suit loved it… said it fit him great.

As far as my injuries go, he had this really sensitive seeing-eye dog!”

A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO (Chief Executive Officer) standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?”

“Certainly,” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”

A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too cold, then he asked that it be turned down because he was too hot, and so it went for about a half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient. He walked back and forth and never once got angry. Finally, a second customer asked the waiter why he didn’t throw out the pest.

“Oh, I don’t care,” said the waiter with a smile. “We don’t even have an air conditioner.”

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.

Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the butt that I may have to kiss tomorrow.