These are supposedly actual classified ads that have appeared in various papers across the world.

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE…ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15

TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT’S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

TICKLE ME ELMO. NEW IN BOX. HARDLY TICKLED. $700

VALENTINES DAY SALE: TY-D-BOL BLUE TOSS-INS

STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT — $15

DO SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR YOUR VALENTINE – HAVE YOUR SEPTIC TANK PUMPED.

FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.

FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BTH HOME.

One evening, as Uncle John and his wife are entertaining guests with cocktails, they are interrupted by an out-of breath little Johnny who shouts out, “Uncle John! Come quick! The bull is fucking the cow!”

Uncle John, highly embarrassed, takes young little Johnny aside and explains that a certain decorum is required. “You should have said, ‘The bull is surprising the cow’- not some filth you picked up in the City,” he says.

A few days later, little Johnny comes again as his uncle and aunt are entertaining. “Uncle John! The bull is surprising the cows!” The adults share a knowing grin. Uncle John says, “Thank you little Johnny, but surely you meant to say the cow, not COWS. A bull cannot ‘surprise’ more than one cow at a time you know.” “Yes he can!” replies his obstinate nephew,
“He’s fucking the horse!”

A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head.

Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. The other customers were taken aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, “Sir, what are you doing!?!”

The man turned toward the teller and said, “Oh, nothing – just looking around.”

There’s this guy walking along a road to town with his camel. Along the way, a guy stops and ask’s if he needs a ride to town. The guy say’s, yeah. He hop’s in, the driver say’s, what about your camel. The guy said, Oh, he’s ok, he know’s his way to town.

So the driver start’s driving, he get’s up to about 45 MPH, and he looks in his rearview mirror and see’s the camel right behind him. He say’s to the guy, hey buddy ya know your camel is behind us? The guy say’s, yeah it’s ok, he knows his way to town, speed up a little.

The driver speed’s up to about 55 MPH, he’s driving along, and look’s behind him and again see’s the camel. And say’s to the guy, your camel is still there. The guy say’s, he’s know’s the way, speed up a little.

So the driver speed’s up to 65 MPH. He drive’s for a bit, and look’s behind him, and look’s at the guy and say’s, hey buddy your camel he’s looking pretty rough. The guy say’s, oh yeah, what’s he doing. The driver say’s, well, his ear’s are folded back and his tongue is hanging out.. The guy say’s, HIS TONGUE IS HANGING OUT,, TO WHICH SIDE. The driver say’s to the left side.

The guy say’s, YOU’D BETTER HOLD YOUR COURSE, HE’S FIXIN TO PASS YA..!

An impotent farmer was having trouble in bed for close to a year now and he just didn’t know what to do.

He ate Viagra like M&M’s but it never seemed to help. Well anyways the farmer had a couple cows that he wanted to breed, and he went down to his neighbor farmer to ask to borrow a bull for a day. The neighbor farmer said yes, and the impotant farmer loaded the bull into the box of his pickup. When he got back home he put the bull in with the lady cows. The lady cows were sure interested in the bull, but the bull would not go near them for some odd reason. The impotent farmer went back to his neighbors and asked why the bull wouldn’t screw his cows. The other farmer said “Oh sorry bout dat he gets like that sometimes, what you otta do is stick your finger there in one uh yah lady cows pussy’s and rub it on his nose.”

The impotent farmer went home and tried it on the bull, and sure enough the bull got all three cows and went back for more about five minutes later. The impotent farmer was totally shocked. He went home that night after a hard days work in the field, and climbed into bed. His wife was asleep next to him and he got an idea. He figured if it worked on the cow it might work on him. So he pulled down his sleeping wife’s panties and stuck his finger down there and rubbed it on his nose. Sure enough he was hard in an instant. The farmer was so happy about this he just had to show his wife.

“Honey wake up honey, turn on the light and take a look at this.”

His wife wakes up turns on the light and says “You woke me up just to show me you had a bloody nose.”