One day a poor old lady found a dollar and with that dollar she bought a lottery ticket.
She won the lottery! She bought a house and a dog. She said to herself, “What should I name my house?” And she looked around and she saw a guy mooning her so she decided to name her house “Butt”
Then she needed a name for her dog. So she looked around and saw a crack house so she named her dog “Crack”.
One day about a month later she woke up and couldn’t find her dog. She looked all over the house and she couldn’t find it anywhere! So finally she called the cops and said, “Police please help me I’ve looked all over my Butt but I can’t find my Crack!”

Here are a few genuine news bloopers gleaned from American newspapers. These were taken from an article by Richard Lederer, author of “Anguished English”.

On behalf of Barbara Rutledge and her family, our sincere thanks go out to those sending flowers, cards and contributing to the death of her husband.

The airplane was only a few feet from the ground when it crashed, witnesses said.

With the exception of victimless crimes (which need not concern us here), every single crime committed in this nation of ours involves a victim.

A purple lady’s bicycle was missing from Serendipity Lane recently.

Chairman Billings asked Board members to muster support from parent-teacher groups to support the governor’s task force on driving while intoxicated.

He hasn’t even had his day in court yet, but Simon Wynne has been kicked off the ESU basketball team after being arrested and accused of driving a parked car while intoxicated.

Montreal police don’t hesitate to use whatever laws, regulations or persuasion they feel they need to control morality in the city and prevent it from getting a foothold.

A college friendship that began a year ago ended in matrimony yesterday.

A horse walks into a bar, he sits down and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?”

A second horse walks in with jumper cables attached to it’s head, he sits down, and the bartender says, “I don’t mind the long face, but don’t you go and try to start anything!”

An elderly woman was looking for a pet to be a good companion and not much trouble.

The pet store owner suggested a parrot, showed it to her and guaranteed her it would be a wonderful companion.

The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays.

The owner said it shouldn’t be a problem and that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there.

She bought the parrot and for the next week spent time getting to know him.

Assured that he spoke properly and was well behaved, she put him on her shoulder and went off to church.

Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked around, squawked and said, “It’s goddamned cold in here!”

Everyone turned to look at her and she ran out of the church in total embarrassment! All the next week, she talked to the parrot explaining the necessity to remain quiet during church.

The parrot understood so she put him on her shoulder and went to church the following Sunday.

Once again, just as everything got quiet and the sermon began,the parrot squawked, looked around and loudly proclaimed, “It’s goddamned cold in here!!”

And again the woman ran from the church. The next day she returned to the pet store and explained the embarrassing situation to the owner.

Since she didn’t want to get rid of the parrot, the owner offered the following solution:

If the parrot does that again, grab him by the legs and swing him around 5 or 6 times and return him to your shoulder.” “That’ll work?” asked the woman. “Guaranteed!” exclaimed the owner.

So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church and, sure enough, just as the sermon started, the parrot squawked, “It’s goddamned cold in here!!” Without any hesitation, the woman grabbed his legs, swung him around 5 or 6 times and placed him back on her shoulder.

The parrot shook his head, ruffled his feathers and said, “Pretty fuckin’ windy, too!”

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe.
He walks up to the bar and takes a seat, the giraffe does the same. The man orders a beer for himself and a double scotch for the giraffe.
They both proceed to drink and after a while they order the same again. They continue all night, ordering the same drinks, drinking them and ordering another load untill suddenly the giraffe falls off his stool and lies unconscious on the floor.
The man gets up of his stool and heads for the door,
The barman shouts at him as he heads out the door ‘You can’t leave that lyin’ ‘ere!’ to which the man replies, ‘Its not a lion its a giraffe!