There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teenage daughters. The parents decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.After months of trying, the wife became pregnant, and sure enough, nine months later she delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child.

“Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.”
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, “Have you been fooling around on me?!”

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, “Not this time.”

There was this old guy wandering around in a supermarket calling out at intervals -
“Crisco? Crisco? CRIS–CO!!!!”

Finally a store clerk approached.
“Sir, the Crisco is on aisle five.”
“Oh,” replied the old guy, “I’m not looking for Crisco, I’m calling my wife.”

“Your wife is named “Crisco?”
“Nah,” he answered, “I only call her that when we come to the supermarket.”

“Oh? What do you call her when you are not in the supermarket?”
“Lard Ass!”

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.

She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.

“What’s wrong with you?” she asked him. “Remember when your father caught us fooling around when you were 16?” he replied. “And remember, he said, I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison.”

Baffled, she said, “yes, I remember. So?”

“Well…I would have gotten out today!”

Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to it by arousing his jealousy. “What would you say if I told you that I’ve been sleeping with your best friend?” she asked provocatively. “Well,” he mused, “I’d have to say that you’re a lesbian!”

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the Desk Sergeant.

“No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”