Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them.The first guy said, “My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won’t let me do any work around the house. It’s incredible!”

The second guy says, “That’s nothing. My wife thinks I’m God!”

“She thinks you’re God? What makes you say that?”

“Easy…Every night she places a burnt offering before me!”

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, “Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.”The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he’s a better lover than you.”

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.

She says, “I want the house.” Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, “I want the kids too.” The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he’s up to 80 mph. She says, “I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too.” The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, “Is there anything you want?” The husband says, “No, I’ve got everything I need right here.”

She asks, “What’s that?”

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph… “I’ve got the airbag!”

A man went to the market this last week to buy Valentines’ cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded him.

He muttered out loud, “I wonder if they have cards for ex-spouses.”

The clerk behind the counter said, “Oh, yes sir, they do have an ‘ex’ category, but they’re in Sporting Goods.”

“Really?”

“Yes sir…they’re called bullets!”

Typical “macho man” marries a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, lays down the following rules:”I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don’t expect any hassle from you!

I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it! Those are my rules…any comments?”

His new bride matter of factly says, “No, that’s fine with me.
Just understand one thing… there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night – whether you’re HOME or not!”

An accountant decided to leave his wife one day.

He left her a note saying:

“Dear Jane, I am 54 years old and I have never done anything wild. So I’m leaving you for an 18 year old blonde model. We’ll be staying at the Sheraton.”

He then packed his things and went there. When he arrived at the Sheraton, there was a message for him from his wife. It read:

“Dear John. I too am 54 years old. I have followed your example and am staying at the Hyatt with an 18 year old Italian hunk. And I’m sure that you, as an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more times than 54 goes into 18!”