Q. Why do men always want their brides to wear white?
A. Because they want their dish washer to match their fridge and stove.

***Top 17 fatal things to say if your wife is pregnant***

17. “I finished the Oreos.”
16. “Not to imply anything, but I don’t think the kid weighs 40 pounds.”
15. “Y’know, looking at her, you’d never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!”
14. “I sure hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay that flabby forever!”
13. “Well, couldn’t they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl!”
12. “Darned if you ain’t about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.”
11. “Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that’s gotta hurt.”
10. “Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!”
9. “I’m jealous! Why can’t men experience the joy of childbirth?”
8. “Are your ankles supposed to look like that?”
7. “Get your *own* ice cream.”
6. “Geez, you’re awfully puffy looking today.”
5. “Got milk ?”
4. “Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.”
3. “Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!”
2. “Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water…”

And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant:

1. “You don’t have the guts to pull that trigger…”

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other’s throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counselor’s office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

“What seems to be the problem?”
The wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, “Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!”

The husband scratched his head and replied…
“I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”

An old Jewish couple was sitting around one evening and he says to his wife, “Sarah, we are about to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary, so tell me, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”She hesitated a while and said, “Yes, 3 times.”
“Three times!? how did it happen?” he asks.

“Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were broke and the bank was going to foreclose on our little house?”
“Yes, that was really a terrible time.”

“Okay, well do you remember when I went to see the banker and the next day he extended our loan?
“It is hard to believe,” he said, “but I guess it really was for us and I can forgive you.”

She continued, “And do you remember years later when you almost died from the heart problem because we couldn’t afford the operation?”
“Of course I remember.”

“Well, then you also remember that right after I went to see the doctor he did your operation at no cost?”
“Yes,” he said, “that shocks me too but I understand you did it because of your love for me and I forgive you.

But tell me, what was the third time?”

She responded, “Do you remember when you ran for Temple president…
and needed 23 more votes?”

I’m really steamed at my wife. She is so immature!
Last night I was taking a bath and she came in and sunk all my little boats!But I’m really a lucky guy. I never realized how much my wife loved me until the other day when I was sick and stayed home from work. She was so happy to have me home, that every time someone came to the door, like the mailman or deliveryman, she’d shout, ‘My husbands home! My husband’s home!’

What a gal I married!

And for everyone that’s still single, some notes on marriage…
…Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
…Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
…Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss.
…Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
…Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
…Marriage still confers one very special privilege, only a married person can get divorced!