My 75 year old Dad was taking his daily walk through the park when he heard a tiny voice calling to him. “Hey, mister! Pssst, mister!” Dad looked all around, and spotted a little frog sitting in the grass looking up at him.

“Hey mister,” said the frog. “A wicked witch cast a spell on me, and turned me into an ugly frog. If you’ll just kiss me I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and be forever grateful.”

Dad reached down, picked up the frog, put it in his pocket, and proceeded to walk on. The frog called out to him again, “Hey! Didn’t you hear me? I said if you’ll kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess and be forever grateful.”

Dad replied, “I heard you, but at my age, I’d rather just have a talking frog!”

Signs you’ve grown up!

1. Your potted plants stay alive.
2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to
7.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as ‘dressed up’.
10. You’re the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don’t know how to turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
17. Dinner and a movie – it’s the whole date instead of just the beginning of one.
18. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
20. A $
4.00 bottle of wine is no longer ‘pretty good stuff’.
21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
22. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi, Ho-Ho’s.
23. “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”
24. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
25. You don’t drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

This old guy wobbles into an ice cream shop. He has a hard time walking. He is hunched over.

He goes up to the counter and says, “Banana Split, please.”

The lady at the counter replies, “Crushed nuts?”

The old man says, “No, Arthritis!”

An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him.

The boy’s hair was yellow, green, orange and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes.
The old man just stared at him.

The boy said, “What’s the matter, old man, haven’t you ever done anything wild in your life?”

The old man answered, “Well yes, actually I have. I once got drunk and screwed a parrot…
I was just wondering if you were my son!”

The Missing Toupee!

On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised. While the passengers were unloading to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear, “Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!”

The driver didn’t think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.

Later, that very same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, “Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!”

This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon.

A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on. He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him.

“Excuse me, sir, can I help you?”
The elderly man looked up and said, “Well, sonny, you sure can. I’ve lost my toupee and I’m trying to find it.

I thought I’d found it twice, but they were both parted in the middle…and mine’s parted on the side!”