Dave: I got this great new hearing aid the other day.

Mary: Are you wearing it now? Dave: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s top of the line.

Mary: Wow! What kind is it?

Dave: Twelve-thirty.

A man goes to Frederick’s of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit.
“This is $200,” she says.
“I want one that’s more sheer,” says he.

“This one is $350.”
“I want it even more sheer than that.”

“This one is the most sheer that we have. It’s $500.”
“I’ll take it!”

The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, “Go put this on and come down to model it for me.”

His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, “This thing is so see through that the old coot won’t even notice if I’m wearing it or not.”

So his wife comes down, wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose.
“So, how do you like it?” she says.

“Damn, you’d think for $500, they’d at least iron the damn thing!”

It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying, “This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?”
He answered, ” You’ve got to keep that old motor running.”

The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, “You really are amazing. How do you do it?”
He again said, “You’ve got to keep the old motor running.”

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, “You must be quite a man.”
He responded, “You’ve got to keep that old motor running.”

The nurse then said, “Well, you had better change the oil.
This one’s black!”

The Top Old Fart Games:

10. Musical Recliners
9. Spin the bottle of Mylanta
8. Hide and Go Pee
7. Simon Says something Incoherent
6. Doc, Doc Goose
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse says Bend Over
4. Kick the Bucket
3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear
2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
1. Sag, You’re It

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City Building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, “Romance” by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!”

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, “Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!”

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over, farts and says… “Broccoli. 49 cents a pound!”